368 Out of 725+ ... Cancer and Reflections on the CrossFit Open

As the 2012 Games begin, I am reflecting back on the Open qualifiers.  I have an interesting perspective on the CrossFit Open.  During the 2011 Open, specifically, right after the first WOD, and before the second WOD was announced, I was diagnosed and underwent surgery for a brain tumor that turned out to be cancerous.  I never finished the 2011 Open, and, in fact, I never did anything more than the first WOD.  

A year passes…  I was out of CrossFit for a couple of months.  I underwent radiation treatments, and am still undergoing chemotherapy.  The CrossFit Open is announced, and I toss my hat in and sign up.  Not with the expectations of being a contender for the Games – I have lost so much strength, stamina, endurance and more – but with the hope of just getting through the entire Open.  I just wanted to finish the event – something I was not able to do last year.

My athlete bio on the Games site really said it all…

“It is what it is... I am blessed to be able to even sign up. But I don't have any unreal expectations as to how I might do. I just want to do the WODs, RX. And I'd like to make it past the second one. I did not fill in my numbers because the maxes and times that I have are not my current times or maxes. I don't know what my current ones are, or what I am capable of doing.”

And it started…

WOD 12.1

Complete as many reps as possible in 7 minutes of:

 Burpees

My initial thought on this one was, “Really??? Seven minutes of burpees?” I thought that so many people would end up with the same scores.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Seven minutes of burpees had a way of pushing people to do more than they ever thought they could do in seven minutes.  It taxed people in a way that was unexpected, and took the first cut, as previously unknowns surfaced on the Leaderboards.

So many people, doing so many burpees…  I bet Coach Burgener was cheering everyone on, all across the world, “YAY BURPEES!” 

For me, it was a relief.  I knew I could do seven minutes of burpees, and I also knew it wouldn’t be a lot.  I was on a chemotherapy regimen for this WOD.  I knew there would be at least one WOD I would be doing while taking my chemotherapy drugs.  Right out of the starting gate, 12.1 was it.

I hoped I could do 70 burpees.  I did 64.  That equated to less than 10 per minute.  But I was okay with that, because I finished the first WOD.  And I would not be on chemotherapy for another 3 weeks.  I was so happy to have finished, and was excited about 12.2.  I wanted to get further than I was able to last year.

WOD 12.2
WOMEN - includes Masters Women up to 54 years old, Proceed through the sequence below completing as many reps as possible in 10 minutes of:

45 pound Snatch, 30 reps
75 pound Snatch, 30 reps
100 pound Snatch, 30 reps
120 pound Snatch, as many reps as possible

This I knew would be challenging.  I had lost so much strength.  I knew I could snatch 45 pounds, and I could snatch 75 pounds.  I knew I used to be able to snatch 100 pounds, but was uncertain if I could do it now, and honestly did not think I could. 

The WOD had a time limit, 10 minutes.  This put a different spin on it.  Could I do 30 snatches at 45 pounds in 10 minutes?  Could I do an additional 30 at 75 pounds?  If I could get those 60 done, could I even get one at 100 pounds

As I performed the WOD, I was realizing that I was getting through the first 30.  It was time to add some weight and go to 75 pounds.  I put the weight on the bar and started snatching.  Getting through all 30, I realized that I would have time to attempt 100 pounds.  I loaded the bar, and failed once, twice, three times, and then the time ran out.

I did not underestimate my ability.  I knew that 100 pounds would be challenging for me at this point in my recovery.  I did underestimate the amount of time it took to load my own weights.  I probably could have found a handful of seconds by being more efficient at loading my weights.  But I still would not have been able to snatch the 100 pound weight.

I was happy with my result.  I kept things in perspective, something that is difficult for me to some days.  I thought it was good, for where I was in my recovery.  I finished the WOD, my first goal, and I also made it through 60 snatches.  I was already further than last year, and looking forward to the next week, when 12.3 would be revealed.

WOD 12.3
WOMEN - includes Masters Women up to 54 years old, Complete as many rounds and reps as possible in 18 minutes of:

15 Box jumps, 20" box
75 pound Push press, 12 reps
9 Toes-to-bar

This one really troubled me.  About a month before this WOD, I was doing box jumps in a WOD and slipped on the box, smashing my knee cap into the edge of the box, and leaving me with a strong fear of jumping on boxes, something I had never experienced.  There were times when I was doing 30” box jumps in WODs.  But when this was announced, I was only jumping 12-16 inches.  20” in a WOD was terrifying.  What if I fell off again?  What if I hurt myself more than the previous time?

I couldn’t think of these things…  I just needed to jump 20”, at least 15 times.  I knew I could physically do it, but mentally I was terrified.  Cancer has a way of destroying confidence.  And chemo brain doesn’t help.  I was worried I would fail before I had even started.

The day I did the WOD, I decided to warm up with smaller boxes, and increasing height until I reached 20”.  I was able to do 8”, then 12”, then 16”, then 20”.  I was ready to tackle 12.3.

The timer started and I started my box jumps.  I surprised myself by finishing the first set of jumps.  Time to move on to the push presses, then the toes-to-bars.  One round done, time to start another, time to jump on the box.  Every time I went to jump my mind processed what I was doing.  I mentally set myself up, then physically.  I mentally eyed the target, then physically.  I visualized myself jump and land, then I jumped and landed on the box.  I probably mentally jumped twice as many box jumps as I physically did.

When the 10 minutes ended, I had completed 4 full rounds, and most of the 5th.  I had jumped on the box 75 times.  I was so happy that I was able to jump on the box and finish the WOD.

I had completed 3 of the 5 WODs, making it further through the Open than I had last year.  I was very happy about that, but it was also sad.  I was constantly reminded of where I could have been if I had not gotten sick.  I wanted to be a contender for the Games…  I did.  But realistically, I knew it was not possible.  There was no way.  Doing the WODs and participating in the Open was what I wanted to do, but so was doing better than I was doing.  I would just need to be happy with where I was…  Happy that I was at least able to perform the WODs.  I asked God for the strength to persevere, and to help me count my blessings, as there were so many.

WOD 12.4
WOMEN - includes Masters Women up to 54 years old,  Complete as many rounds and reps as possible in 12 minutes of:

150 Wall balls (14lbs to 9' target)
90 Double-unders
30 Muscle-ups

I just knew that muscle-ups would show up at some point in the open.  I also knew that if they did, I would not be able to do them.  I was not getting them consistently before, so I knew there was no chance now. 

I have also been struggling with my double-unders.  My timing has been off.  I can sometimes get 15-20 or so, but many times it is 3-5 at a time.  Again, a result of all that I have been through…  surgery, radiation, and chemo.

I felt defeated before even starting this WOD.  I tried to keep it in perspective.  But it was hard, knowing how much I would struggle with the double-unders, and that even if I made it to the muscle-ups, I wouldn’t be able to do one.

So the clock started and I started my wall balls.  I felt confident with the wall balls.  I just dreaded what was coming up.  All I could think about was that I would need as much time as possible to do the double-unders, so I have to really push the wall balls.  I knew I wouldn’t get any muscle-ups, but I wanted to get the double-unders.  I wanted it badly.

I finished the wall balls, and went on to the double-unders.  I would get a couple, then miss, then get a few, then miss.  I tried to just keep going.  But the more I missed, the more upset I got.  The more upset I got, the more I missed.  I tried to keep it in perspective, but my perspective was interrupted by the rope hitting my feet, legs and hands.

Time ran out on me, before I could finish the double-unders.  I only got 35.  I tried to keep it in perspective, but again, I felt so defeated. 

WOD 12.5
WOMEN - includes Masters Women up to 54 years old

Complete as many reps as possible in 7 minutes following the rep scheme below:

65 pound Thruster, 3 reps
 3 Chest to bar Pull-ups
65 pound Thruster, 6 reps
6 Chest to bar Pull-ups
65 pound Thruster, 9 reps
 9 Chest to bar Pull-ups
65 pound Thruster, 12 reps
12 Chest to bar Pull-ups
65 pound Thruster, 15 reps
15 Chest to bar Pull-ups
65 pound Thruster, 18 reps
18 Chest to bar Pull-ups
65 pound Thruster, 21 reps
21 Chest to bar Pull-ups...
This is a timed workout. If you complete the round of 21, go on to 24. If you complete 24, go on to 27, etc.

This was the last WOD.  If I could finish this one, then I finished the Open.  My goal was to finish, and I was so close.  I had to do it, knowing full well that I would never make it to the 2012 Games, but remembering that my goal was to be able to finish the Open, and to do each WOD as prescribed.

I was excited to do it, excited to finish.  But I had just started a chemo regimen, so it was really going to be a tough one.  I was not feeling well, was not sleeping well, and just going to try to endure.

Thrusters and pull-ups…  It looks a lot like Fran, or perhaps Fran’s mean older sister.  Again, the clock started and so did I.  The first set of thrusters felt like they always do, except I only had to do 3, as opposed to the 21 prescribed in Fran.  3 felt like a vacation!  Then time for chest-to-bar pull-ups.  Again, a movement that required strength, something I had lost so much of.  I struggled getting my chest to the bar and was no-repped a couple of times during the WOD. I got the 3s done, 3 thrusters and 3 chest-to-bar pull-ups. On to the 6s.  Again I struggled on the chest-to-bar pull-ups.

7 minutes came up, and I struggled to get the last few reps in.  When all was said and done, I had completed the 3s, the 6s and the 9s, and started working on the 12s.  I did all 12 of the thrusters, and 4 of the pull-ups, almost finishing the round.

I got down on one knee and gave thanks to God, who made this possible.  I had finished the Open competition, 368 out of 725+ in my age group.  But it didn’t matter where I finished, only that I finished.  I had made my goal – I finished the Open.  And for that I am grateful.

As I look back on the Open on the day the Games begin, I think about the athletes and all they have endured.  I am so excited for them – their time has come.  Tomorrow I leave for Carson to watch in person, and to cheer them on.  If I could tell them one thing, it would be to have fun and enjoy the journey. 

The Road and Destroying Asteroids

It is ever-changing. It is unpredictable. What you expect to happen, may not happen, and what may happen, may be unexpected. It is long, but also short. It is straight, but full of twists and turns.

I could not navigate this road without my support group and those who I have met along the way. These are my friends, my family, my loved ones, and my coaches. They are also my competitors, my students, and my “heroes”.

They inspire me, now more than ever.

Ironically, with the exception of the last sentence, I wrote the above a few months ago, at the start of the CrossFit Open competition. It was going to be a post on workout inspiration, but now, is appropriate for my journey ahead. It is an unpredictable roller coaster ride that I am buckling in for, and ready to go. It is also a road that I could not navigate without my support group and those who I have met along the way. Again, these are my friends, my family, my loved ones, and my coaches. They are also my competitors, my students, and my “heroes”. They are also now the doctors and nurses I interact with.

I am ready to battle, fight, and take this on. I am ready for the road ahead. This week it starts. Treatments. I can’t say that I am not afraid, because it is the unknown, like the road, which provides for a certain amount of fear. And there will be bumps, but there are always bumps, and that is normal. But bumps are just that, bumps. So, although I have some fear, I also have perspective. Treatments are designed to ensure, get rid of, eliminate, and kill any remaining bad cells. And these are all good things. Very good things.

I liken it to Asteroids, the old arcade game in which the fighter ship destroyed all the asteroids before the asteroids destroyed the fighter ship. I played this game a lot growing up, and it will be in my mind during the treatments. I am the fighter ship and I will be annihilating asteroids.

I saw this quote the other day, and it really makes sense.

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.” It’s time I learned to dance. I’ve always felt I’ve done so, but now I need to be consistent about it. I want to dance and I need to dance.

And with the love and support of my family, friends, and those who have crossed my path and inspired me in some way, I will traverse the road, destroy the asteroids, and emerge on the other side stronger, healthier, and thankful.

I am deeply touched by those of you in my life and in the lives of those I love. I am grateful and deeply moved.

Chasing Rabbits

When we work out, there is always someone who or something that inspires us to do more, work harder, be faster, achieve something that we didn’t think possible. The rabbit. The dog chasses it, constantly trying to catch it. It may not always catch it, but it will try. It will make the best effort every single time it tries. For us, the rabbit is very individualized. It is different for everyone. And we all have a rabbit – something or someone that keeps us going in the face of all odds, that gets us through, that challenges or inspires us, that pushes us.

Perhaps it is a piece of equipment. A heavy kettlebell that you want to eventually swing, or the rings you one day hope to do muscle ups on, or the heavy barbell you someday want to put overhead. It is the inspiration -- that object that signifies that the goal was achieved; you did what you needed to do with it or to it.

Or maybe it’s a person. That one person you always compare yourself to, that you try to emulate, that you try to beat, or that just pushes you in all the right directions, so that you are able to do things you never thought possible. This person might be you coach, who is always in your face, pushing you, who has made you master your technique so that you are capable, or who encourages you daily to try. Or maybe it’s someone you work out with, who is always the one to beat, who pushes you to try heavier weights, work faster during a WOD, to put out that extra effort when you thought you had nothing left to give.

Or maybe it’s something entirely different. Maybe a hero, or family member, or cause that creates the inspiration to achieve more, do more, lift more or just simply be more. Maybe it’s something you didn’t really know about at the time, but it has become evident over time, that there was just something there, pushing you to be better, be faster, lift more, and continue when you didn’t think you could.

We all have a rabbit. And when our rabbit is in hiding, we miss it. We need our rabbits. We do better when we are chasing them. We do more weight, have faster times, and better techniques. We need to chase a rabbit.


Think about it. What or who is your rabbit? Your inspiration? Are you in hot pursuit? It’s time to catch the rabbit.


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Today I Squat For…

I first heard about Amanda Miller on April 27, 2010. CrossFit.com had posted a message about her passing. She was a 2009 games competitor and had died several days prior to the posting. I read about her for the first time that day. Her blog was linked to the post.

Something about her story got to me then and continues to get to me. It happened a while back, before the WO at the 2010 Games was named for her. I had read her blog – her story. She documented it for everyone to read. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know why. Bu tit eats away at me, emotionally. She was courageous, she was strong, she was unrelenting.

Then Dave Lipson came along and decided to do 365 days of squatting, to raise awareness and money for skin cancer research. There was a shirt for sale, and I bought it. The money for the shirt goes to the charity. Every time I wear it I think of her. Every time I think of her I get emotional. I don’t know why. I didn’t even know her. Why does it do this to me? Why do I feel this way?

Since early December we have been working on a squat goal at CrossFit Phoenix. We were told our goal was to do 50 body weight back squats. At first, I didn’t relate it to Dave Lipson and his 365 days of squatting. I didn’t even think of Amanda Miller. But last night, as I lay in bed thinking about the next day’s squatting effort, all I could think about was Amanda Miller. I don’t know why. Maybe because today is goal day – 50 body weight back squat day. I have been nervous about it ever since I found out about it. But today I am especially nervous.

It isn’t an easy task. It is daunting. And I am sitting here, thinking about it, and getting so emotional, and I just don’t understand why. I am thinking of Dave Lipson and his efforts for Amanda Miller. And I am thinking of Amanda Miller – someone I didn’t even know.

Dave Lipson, every day, squatting for Amanda Miller. Amanda Miller obviously touched him somehow – made him want to do something. And her story has somehow touched me. And while I really don’t have the ability to perhaps make a difference the way Dave Lipson can, I can do my best at this effort today. I can do my best.

I am still nervous about it, but maybe for different reasons. Before I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to do it and I would fail. Now, I while I feel more confident that I can do it, I am still nervous. I know I need to get this. I know I need to succeed. Because today I will do 50 body weight back squats for Amanda Miller.

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2/2/11 Follow-up

So 1/31/11 was the culmination of a two-month goal -- 50 body weight back squats, unbroken, without setting down the bar.

The night before I had a hard time sleeping. I was really restless. For some reason, i kept thinking of Dave Lipson and his squat challenge. And that made me think of Amanda Miller. I blogged about it as soon as I woke up - I became emotional, weepy, and I didn't know why. I was like that all day. Seriously -- weepy.

Class time came. We warmed up with back squats, at moderate weight, to get ready for the 50. Then it came time for the 50. I had to go first... This is the moment when I really hate the fact that I weigh so much!!! 50 squats at 155#. Really????

I got to 15 and thought, holy crap... I don't know if I can do this... And I thought of Dave Lipson and Amanda Miller, and I kept going. I got to 30 and I thought that I did 40 two weeks ago, I could do 40 again. And I got to 40. When I hit 40, I was told that it all counts now - this is where my reps start. The last set of 10. This is where it matters. And I thought again of Amanda, and I heard my friends pushing me, and I dug in and hit 50.

I racked the bar and fell to the ground and cried. I have only cried one other time in a WO, and that was a 9/11 WO we did. But I cried on 1/31/11. And I'm sure I will again in the future.

Perfectly Flawed

As women, we struggle with our body image. It is constantly changing as we eat, don’t eat, drink, don’t drink, work out, sit on the couch, stress, live, have children, etc... It bloats, contracts, builds muscle, breaks it down, reproportions, settles, shrinks, expands, sags, rebuilds. The media inundates us with images of what we should look like – what the beautiful people look like. What clothes we should wear, how we should style our hair, what is acceptable, what is not, and what it perfect.

But seriously, what is perfect???

What is perfect? Is it a look? Is it a style? Is it a person? Is it a thought? If something is perfect, how can it be perfect one day and not perfect another day? Or hour? Or month? Or year? Why does it change, if it is “perfect”?

As women, we constantly struggle with our body image -- we are bombarded by the media's opinion of what we should look like. What "beautiful" is. What “perfect” is. We are emotional – this media bombardment affects us. It makes us think about things that are not true, that are not real, and that are not perfect. Perfection is flawed, and the media paints a happy, unflawed, non-perfect picture of beauty and perfection. It is up to us to recognize it for what it is – untrue.

I challenge you to find one person, in the entire world, living or dead, who is perfect. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Whether physical, mental, emotional or other... Every single person is flawed. We have been designed that way. And because we are designed that way, each of us is truly perfect, in our own, individually flawed ways. It is our flaws that make us perfect. Our flaws make us unlike any other person, our flaws which make us perfect and beautiful.

Because we are flawed, we are perfect and beautiful.

This has always been one of my favorite articles from Again Faster.

You Are Beautiful

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On Accountability

Who are you accountable to? Are you accountable to those around you or to yourself, or both? What about when no one is looking, or when no one would know. Are you accountable? Do you need to be?

During a WOD, who are you accountable to? Are you only accountable to yourself, or are you accountable to others as well. Obviously, if someone is counting for you, you are being held accountable. But, if you were not accountable to anyone, if no one is counting, watching, or paying attention, who would be cheated? Think about it.

Ultimately, you are only accountable yourself. You are only cheating yourself if you keep an inaccurate tally of your reps or rounds, if you write you time incorrectly, or don’t write your time at all, if you perform incomplete movements, or movements less than what you’re capable of. You are only cheating yourself.

As I previously posted, 99% of the time you are competing with yourself, not others. This makes you accountable only to yourself. When you cheat a movement, don’t complete it as you are capable of doing, miscount your reps, or weight, you are only cheating yourself. We are all accountable to ourselves.

I was recently impressed by personal accountability. Miranda Oldroyd of CrossFit 801 was recently in a video of Isabel (30 power snatches at 95#) on the CrossFit main site. Mary Lampas, Chris Stowe and Miranda did the WOD. Upon completing it, they were asked if they ever lose track of their reps. Miranda said that she does her best, but it could be 29 or 31. 18 hours later, she reviewed the unedited video, only to discover that she only did 29 reps, not the required 30. This video was to be posted on the main CrossFit site. Everyone would have seen it, but no one would have known that she only did 29 reps. It is an edited video. No one would be counting, and no one would know. But Miranda knew. She wanted to set a good example -- take advantage of demonstrating accountability.

She went back in to the gym 18 hours later – the next day, and did the missing rep, calling “time”. 18 hours later. She then redid the entire WOD, this time completing 30 reps in 2:13, a faster time than she did the day before.

All of this was on video. The second WOD didn’t need to be. Miranda could have left everything as it was, and no one would have known except her. But she knew. And because she knew, she had to do the right thing, and be accountable. To herself. And in being accountable to herself, she showed the CrossFit community what it means to be accountable.

Miranda demonstrates her accountability in Isabel

A similar subject of Cheaters: Life AsRX posted to their blog

Who are you accountable to?

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Special thanks to Miranda Oldroyd for her help with this post.

You Compare Yourself to Who???

In CrossFit, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. We have benchmark workouts, we post results on public web sites, and we have PRs. We compare how we do, to how others do, to see how we rank – Beyond the White Board automatically ranks you against others. We wonder, “Am I as good as him? Am I as good as her? Could I have beaten the best?”

I completely agree with what Andy Petranek, of CrossFit LA recently posted:

One of the things that makes us different is the way we constantly compare ourselves to others who do CrossFit. We have leaderboards. We keep score. We post results of workouts up on whiteboards. We do this to create context for training, so that we all have a framework within which our training can exist... goals, expectations of performance, belief of what is possible, etc. Comparisons are good - as long as they are NOT used to make you feel bad about what you are doing... remember, the competition, 99% of the time, is just with yourself!

Wait, what was that??? “…Comparisons are good – as long as they are NOT used to make you feel bad about what you are doing… the competition, 99% of the time, is just with yourself!” Let me expand on that… You should never feel bad about any CrossFit workout, no matter how you compare to others. It is NOT about the comparison to others, it is about how you did, at that given moment in time, for that workout, at that hour of the day, during that temperature, with those people, on that amount of rest, and that amount of fuel, etc. That given moment in time. Did you do your best? Did you leave nothing behind? Did you leave nothing behind?

A while back I blogged about Going After the Big Dog. It was a post about motivation – something that motivates me. There is a definite difference between going after the big dog, and comparing yourself to others via leaderboards. Going after the big dog should motivate you to do better, make you push yourself further than you thought you could go. To challenge you. To motivate you. To help you better compete against yourself.

Every person is different, and every experience is different. It is not appropriate to compare yourself to anyone other than yourself, because you are NOT that other person. You do not have their experiences, their strengths, their weaknesses. We are all put together differently, made up differently, which means that our abilities are different. The only person you should compare yourself to is yourself. And in doing so, you will find that you will sometimes do better, and sometimes do worse than you previously did. It is the nature of CrossFit. It is, what it is, at that exact moment in time, and each moment is going to be different.

So don’t feel bad about what you are doing. Don’t feel bad about your performance. In CrossFit, no matter what your level or ability, your capabilities, at that given moment in time, for that workout, at that hour of the day, during that temperature, with those people, on that amount of rest, and that amount of fuel, you are doing things that most people cannot do. You are doing things that most people cannot do.

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What Defines You?

I am defined by many things. I like to think I am first defined by my family -- my upbringing, my mother, father, brother and sister. They have impacted my life in ways they have no knowledge of. I am also defined by those around me. The relationships I have had, the people I have met along the way, my close friends, and my acquaintances, and those who have inspired me. And I am also defined by the events that have occurred in my life -- the experiences. The positive events, the negative events, the events I participated in, and the events I missed. And finally, I am defined by my emotions -- how I respond to situations, how I feel about everything -- good, bad, ugly.

While I think that defining instances exist, and some people are truly defined by instances or one-time-occurrences, most people are defined over time, by family, relationships, experiences and emotions. It is part of the learning process of life. Whether you are in school and as you become educated, you develop feelings, values, opinions, and the confidence to know and relate to them, or if you are an avid exerciser and constantly challenging yourself with more difficult workouts, pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, thereby creating mental and physical obstacles to overcome. -- these experiences, people and interactions may define you more than a one-time occurrence.

I constantly wonder what defines me. What defines me in a given moment. Is it a max effort? A max weight? A perspective on responsibility? Or family? Does it change as I change? Can it vary, be different, and stay the same, all at the same time?? I think it is all of the above. I think it can be different, and it is constantly changing, as I change. I think that sometimes it is one given thing at one moment, and a variable the next. It could be a dnf in a workout, or a life-changing event.

Are you defined over a period of time -- a particular challenging time, or was there a defining moment in your life -- an instant that changed who you are? Or are you defined by what you do? How does what defines you change as you change? Are you continually redefined by the things that are important to you, or the things that impact your existence?

How does what defines you impact your life, your existence, those around you? Are you a better person for it? Do you wish you could be?

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Aspirations and Goals and Reinvention

As we enter into 2010, many of us start to think about our aspirations and goals. The New Year brings about new opportunities to achieve something that we may not have achieved before, to try something new, different, exciting… The New Year gives us a launching pad for new goals, with new ways of measuring those goals and new challenges in achieving them.

I am an executor of and believer in short term goals – what do I want to get done this month or next month. I have a more difficult time with the longer term goals – what do I want to do in 3 years, 5 years, or 10 years. I think this has to do with the constant transformation I go through, the constantly reinvention of myself – but more on that later. So, here is the question… Does the quest for the short term goals drive the long term goal, even if I don’t know what that long term goal might be? Meaning, if I continue to drive towards short term goals that get met and added to as time passes, am I really driving towards a long term goal, without having truly identified that goal? Would I be able to achieve a long term goal faster or more efficiently, if I knew what it was from the beginning, and designed my short term goals to meet my long term goals?

Back to the issue of constant transformation. Does the fact that I am constantly changing better suit short term goals vs. long term goals??? What if I had a long term goal but halfway towards meeting it I decided I no longer wanted it. I had changed in some major way that made the long-term goal no longer relevant. Would I feel like a failure for not achieving it? Does having only short term goals give me the flexibility to be constantly reinventing, or does only having short term goals keep me from achieving greater things? Is it more important to be able to be reinventing myself or drive towards long-term goals? Could constant reinvention be a long-term goal, only achieved by short-term goals?

What comes first, the chicken or the egg!!!

I set a short term fitness goal and did not achieve it. I felt like a balloon that just had the air let out of it. I tried to achieve it, but perhaps I did not try enough. Or perhaps the goal should have been a long-term goal. Or maybe it just wasn’t important enough.

I did not achieve the goal. Could I have achieved it if I had really focused on it and worked every day towards it? Or was the goal too lofty, and therefore unachievable in the time allotted? After some evaluation, I have determined that I need to continue towards this goal, and make it a longer term goal. I have worked 6 weeks to achieve it. 6 weeks was not enough. So rather than writing it off as a failure, I will re-align my timeline for this goal and continue to try to achieve it. Perhaps I will achieve it by my birthday. That is nearly 6 months away. It is still a short term goal, but a longer-term short term goal. (WOW, is that possible???) I feel confident that I can achieve it, should I not go through some other major transformation that leaves it irrelevant… (LOL)

What are your goals? Do you set long term or short term goals? Or both? Do you set goals that are easy or difficult to achieve? How do you respond to an unmet goal? Post thoughts to comments.

Intentional Metamorphosis

Wikipedia defines metamorphosis as “…a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's body structure through cell growth and differentiation.” Answers.com says metamorphosis is “a marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function.” Metamorphosis is change.

Change is inevitable – nothing ever stays the same. Whether acted upon by some outside force, or an intentional decision, change occurs. It is inevitable. But what if change was intentional? Could you intentionally drive the change? Force the course of the abrupt change in the animal’s body structure? Or your body structure? Or your capabilities? Could you control the direction of the change? Thereby controlling the outcome, results, endgame?

I am on a quest. A quest for change. Purposeful change. Intentional metamorphosis. I am changing the way I look, the way I feel, the way I perform. Day by day, step by step, workout by workout, meal by meal, rep by rep. Forcing change to occur. It is an intentional decision. I am purposefully changing. I am going through intentional metamorphosis.

How? Pushing harder. Eating better. Not giving in. Not sacrificing. Performing the one more minute, one more round, one more rep, until I can yell out “TIME!”, with the knowing that I have performed my best at that given moment.

Why? To be better. To feel better. To be stronger. To be able to perform under diverse conditions. To be healthy. To be fit. To be CrossFit.

I Remember...

Today is always a difficult day for me. Not Friday, but the date – 9/11.

So many people were impacted by what happened 8 years ago on this date. For me, it could have been so much worse. Every time 9/11 comes around, I think of how much worse it could have been. And while I am thankful that is wasn’t, I am deeply saddened by the losses that others experienced.

My sister worked at the World Trade Center, on one of the floors above where the planes hit. She was supposed to start work at 9am. She was late on 9/11. Just late enough to be alive. She would take the subway to work, and exit the stop before WTC. She would walk the last block to work. On 9/11 she exited the subway, as usual, and was greeted by the chaos that was occurring. The first plane had already flown into the first tower. She made the decision to jump back on the subway, not thinking that the next stop was WTC. The doors opened up and she was there at what is now ground zero. She did not exit, but continued on to the next stop, where she did exit – just as the second plane hit the second tower. She ran for her life.

She lost co-workers and friends, but did not lose her life. And for this, I am eternally grateful.

On this date, I am remembering all those who lost their lives. Those at WTC, those at the Pentagon, those in Pennsylvania, and those in the military. I am grateful to all of those who serve our country, from the fire and police personnel who risk their lives to help others, to the military, who fight for the freedoms we sometimes take for granted.

Why am I going on and on about this? What does it have to do with fitness?

Sometimes we all need a little inspiration – something to push us a little harder. Today my inspiration is one of remembrance and gratefulness. When I workout today, I will do so for those who died on this date 8 years ago, and those who continue to fight for our freedoms. I remember.

Going After the Big Dog

I enter each workout with a certain expectation. The expectation that I should be able to do as much, or a little more, than I previously did. A little more weight, a slightly faster time, better form, etc. I compete with myself, trying to outdo myself.

I have never thought of tying to do better than those I workout with. I’ve never thought of my workout as a competition between me and those I workout with. I have always competed against myself. And because I am highly motivated, I have been a good competitor for myself. But could I have been a better competitor?

What if, instead of competing against myself, I competed against the big dog during the workout. The one person who is pushing max reps, or big weight, or has spectacular form. What if that big dog was right next to me, and instead of thinking that I could never do what they are doing -- that all I need to do is better than I did previously… What if I thought that I needed to do better than the big dog? That I needed to do more weight, I needed a faster time, I needed better form, because the big dog next to me was going to kick some CrossFit ass, and I needed to beat them to it. Would that light my competitive fire and push my abilities through the “better-than-my-previous-time” ceiling? My guess is that my competitive fire would become a firestorm, and I could do more than I ever would have expected, and blow my PRs out of the water.

So the big dogs better watch out. Because I am not going after my previous weights or times – I’m going after them. And I am going to fight for every pound, every rep and every second.

Patrick Cummings talks about this in After the Gun, a post on Again Faster. Read it and get some fire.

Broken, But Not Broken Down

How do you handle a workout, or a situation for that matter, that is more than you expected? More difficult? More mentally challenging? More painful? Do you get angry? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? More importantly, how do you handle yourself afterwards? Do you walk away, never to return? Do you feel shameful? Do you quit?

We are all challenged with workouts that push us to our limits – to our breaking points – to the point where we feel… broken. We go through the gamut of emotions – anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, maybe even loss and sorrow. But how do you handle your emotions? Or maybe the better question is, do you handle your emotions or do your emotions handle you?

Everyone has a choice. You have a choice, I have a choice, and we all have choices. And we determine or choose how we handle our emotions during that workout that is more than we expected -- during that moment in time. We also choose how we handle our emotions after that workout. So the workout can break you, or me, or us, but did the workout break us down??? That is our choice. Our decision.

Last Friday’s workout broke me. It was a reality check of the most “in your face” type. “Stand up Linda” broke me. But she did not break me down.

Reality… I was not able to do prescribed weights. My hands were torn. I DID NOT FINISH. I have never not finished a workout. I was frustrated. I was upset. I was embarrassed. I was shamed. I was broken. But I could not walk away, and I could not quit. Because amidst all those emotions, I made a choice to not be broken down. “Stand up Linda” broke me. But she did not break me down.

Reality… It was one workout, one day, one moment in time. And one day I will meet “Stand up Linda” again, and I will be able to do more weight, I will not tear my hands, and I WILL FINISH. I will one day get LINDA off my back! And I will be stronger for it. I am not broken down.

Thanks to CrossFit Phoenix for pushing me to my limit so that I could see what could be possible. Looking forward to the next time that chick “Linda” comes knocking.

"Stand up Linda"

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 reps of:

1.5x bodyweight deadlift
3/4 bodyweight push press
3/4 bodyweight squat clean

Running the Ragnar Relay del Sol

Some time ago, my friend Jill asked me to join her running team for the Ragnar Relay. Knowing nothing about the race, I looked it up and found out the following:

You and 11 of your closest friends running day and night, relay-style, through some of the most scenic terrain North America could muster. Add in live bands, inside jokes and a mild case of sleep deprivation. The result? Some call it a slumber party without sleep, pillows or deodorant. We call it a Ragnar Relay…

I quickly, and easily, said “No thanks Jill, it’s not my cup of tea.”

I’m not a committed runner. I started running in January of 2008. My goal was to participate in Emma’s Run, a 5K race taking place in Anthem. I had no intention to continue running after Emma’s Run, but I found out I enjoyed the metabolism boost running provided, especially after performing high-intensity workouts. So I kept running as part of my fitness routine. Short runs… That still did not make me a committed runner.

A couple of months later, Jill asked me again to join her Ragnar Relay team. Someone had dropped out and they needed another runner. Again my answer was “no, I am not a runner”. A few weeks later the question came again, with the same answer, and a few weeks later and one more time I said no.

Maybe Jill caught me on a good day when I finally said “Yes”. Maybe I was tired of getting asked. Maybe I didn’t think it would ever really happen. I don’t really remember. All I know is that one day, in the Fall of 2008, I committed to being on Jill’s team.

The Ragnar Relay Del Sol

Now that I was committed, I needed more information. What was it about? How did it work? What should I expect??? The Ragnar website gave me more information:

“It's really quite simple. Get a bunch of friends together (or we can help you find team members who'll quickly become your friends) and start running. Okay, there's a little more to it. Your relay team will consist of 12 members. During the relay, each team member runs three legs, each leg ranging between 3 - 8 miles and varying in difficulty. So, from the elite runner down to the novice jogger, it's the perfect relay race for anyone.

Each team is responsible for providing two support vehicles, with six runners in each
vehicle. The first vehicle will drop off the first runner, drive ahead a few miles, cheer the runner on, and provide them with water, snacks, and plenty of love. That vehicle will then drive ahead to the first exchange point to drop off the second runner, and pick up the first runner when that leg is complete. They will repeat this pattern for six legs until they hand off to their second vehicle. This leapfrogging pattern will continue all the way to the finish line.”

Our twelve person team split into two groups of six; one group in each vehicle. Many of the teams decorated their vehicles and all had some sort of writing or slogan on them. During the race there were five people in the van while one person ran. It was the team’s responsibility to support the runner. The people in the vehicle had to provide water, snacks, and lots of good cheer for each runner.

There were major and minor runner exchange points along the route. The major exchanges were where Van 1 handed off to Van 2 or vice versa. During minor exchanges only the runners from the same vehicle changed out. Each minor exchange point had a team of volunteers and porta-potties to keep the race on track. The major exchange points had more volunteers, porta-potties, usually some food, music, rest spots to refresh prior to their next leg of the race.

Our team, We’ve Got the Runs, was team #93. We started at 8am. Team start times were staged based on runners’ ability level. We were considered a novice team (12 people, not very experienced). Ultra teams were formed with only six and had the pleasure of running double the distance per person than the novices. The ultras had my admiration. I really don’t know how anyone could run double legs in the race.

The Ragnar Relay del Sol’s 202.1 mile course began at Prescott, AZ and finished in Mesa, AZ. It wound down 2-lane highways, secondary roads, dirt roads, and across freeways. There were times when there was no cell phone service, and times when there were so many cars in the way that runners had to use crosswalks and signals in order to cross. There were times when the only thing you saw was a cow in a field, and other times that cars sped by so quickly you wondered if you’d end up road kill. And there were also times that were serene, but surreal – where the only things you could see were illuminated 10 feet in front of you by a headlamp, or the distant city lights and stars miles away.

The Race

Van 1 started the race in Prescott, AZ on February 27 at 8am. It was 40 degrees and 5000 feet in elevation. Runners 1-6 took their first runs and ended in Kirkland, at 3500 feet. My vehicle, Van 2, picked up the charge around 12:30pm in Kirkland. Our initial leg was 39 miles, I was responsible for 5.5 miles.

Van 2’s running legs were broken down as follows:

The degree of difficulty was determined by the length and elevation change of the route. The longer the route and the more hills increased the level of difficulty.

My first leg had several hills, and was a moderate length. The team was fresh, our legs were strong, and our energy level was high, with adrenaline flowing from the excitement. We each seemed to run our legs quickly. We supported each other with water, spray bottles and lots of cheering. As Michael took over on the last leg of this set of runs, night started to set in. Michael was our first runner to break out after dark running with a headlamp, reflective vest, and back light, which were required in order to run at night, or we would face disqualification. We handed off to Van 1 around 7:30 pm, after being on the road for 7 hours and 39 miles.

Van 1 ran for the next 34 miles. While they were running, we rested at a little elementary school in Morristown, just east of Wickenburg. The school fed us spaghetti, and we rolled out sleeping bags on the multipurpose room floor and tried to get a few hours of rest. At 12am we received the call that Van 1’s last runner had just hit the pavement and they would be at the school around 12:30. We got up, packed our gear and prepared for the night run.

Van 1 handed off to us in Morristown around 12:30am on February 28. We were scheduled to run the rest of the night and hand back off to Van 1 around 8:30am. Our second leg was 42 miles, of which I was responsible for 8.8 miles. The Van 2 runners and legs were broken down as follows:

The second leg was the one that worried me the most. It was dark out, the route was very long and was mostly up a slight hill on Carefree Highway, just west of Lake Pleasant. I started this leg exhausted, but finished feeling terrific. The run in the middle of the night brought me a certain amount of focus that I have never achieved. The road in front of me was only illuminated by my headlamp. All I saw was what was right in front of me or the city lights and stars off in the distance. The van leapfrogged me, so I was never alone, and I occasionally saw other runners. It was cool, but not unbearably cold. The leg that I feared the most turned out to be my favorite, the experience that I now compare all runs to.

The van support continued through the night. We were exhausted from not sleeping, and also cold. There was a time in the middle of the night when we were all bundled up in the back of the vehicle trying to stay warm, trying to rest, and trying not to come unglued. Every time we came up to our runner Tara would roll down the window and yell “Woohoo!!!” This became our mantra. No matter how tired we were, we could at least get out a slap-happy, semi-conscious, “Woohoo!” Ironically, the runners didn’t hear most of the “Woohoos!!” because we all wore headphones as we ran. We handed off to Van 1 around 8:30 am on February 28 after 8 hours, 42 miles and dozens of “Woohoos!!”.

Van 1 had the run for the next 33 miles. As they ran, we rested, this time at someone’s house. We had spaghetti for breakfast, and it really hit the spot We took showers, some of us slept, some tried to sleep, and some soaked feet and just relaxed. At 11:30am we got ready to head out for our last leg of the relay. We drove about an hour, leaving most of our belongings at the rest house knowing that we would be back to pick them up and head home. The vehicle had more room, yet it seemed more crowded as we sprawled into each other’s “space”.

We arrived in Fountain Hills early and used the time to stock up on sun screen and coffee at the local market. The temperature was considerably warmer, about 85 degrees and there was not much of a breeze. This was not going to be an easy set of legs. For most of our runners, the third leg was a shorter leg. For one, it was the longest. We were tired, hot and felt the need for a miracle.

Van 1 handed off to us in Fountain Hills around 1:00pm on February 28. It was our job to finish the race. The final leg was 24 miles. I was responsible for a short 2.9 miles, however, I thought I was only running 2.2 miles. My distance changed and I didn’t know. Van 2’s individual legs were broken down as follows:

I thought this leg would be a piece of cake, “it’s only 2.2 miles – that’s easy”. About a mile into the run the heat was beating me down. At 2 miles I was looking for the next exchange, wondering where it was. I kept wondering why I was now running further than 2.2 miles. I finally came around a corner and saw the exchange at 3 miles. The leg I thought would be the easiest was the most difficult. The shortest run became the most difficult to complete. I was challenged both physically and mentally as I kept pushing on to the next exchange. I was ecstatic when I finally handed off to Jill.

Jill’s leg was the most difficult. She ran on Beeline Highway and we had a very hard time supporting her throughout the run. It was hot, the cars were racing by, and the bugs were thick. There was plenty of road kill, and not enough sun screen. Jill handed off to Jodi and it was at this point that we discovered that we could take a towel and put it in our cooler of ice and give the wet, ice cold towel to our runner. Jodi, Alisa and Michael all were fortunate enough to have an ice cold soaked towel during parts of their run.

At the finish line, Michael was going to bring us in. We parked and Van 1 joined us. Then together we all walked up to the finish line to wait for Michael. Our plan was to all run to the finish as a team, and cross at the same time. Michael came running in and we followed behind him. We ran the last 100 yards together, cheering the entire way. Our team of 12 crossed the finish line, received our medals, and gave each other high-fives. This was truly an accomplishment, something that we all experienced and completed together.

People ask me what it was like, how would I describe the experience. My response has been that it felt like a three day road trip that lasted only 33 hours. You run a little, then rest a little, all of it taking about 11 hours each round, or “day”. You spend the entire time with people that you may or may not know, however, over the course of the run, you really get to know each other well, maybe too well in some cases. You share in each other’s triumphs and struggles, and you learn not to sweat the small things, and find joy in the littlest of successes.

In my 12 person team I only knew one person at the beginning of the race. Over the course of 33 hours I was fortunate enough to know the five others I shared the drive with very well.

Count me in for the next Ragnar Relay – February 26-27, 2010!

Lauriel Luther is a certified group fitness instructor at Anthem Golf & Country Club and Level 1 CrossFit instructor.

http://www.ragnarrelay.com/

Workout Motivation?

What motivates you to try harder during a workout? To push yourself when you don't think you can go any further? To do that one more minute, one more round, one more rep?

Is it mind over matter when physical exhaustion sets in? Does the workout go from a physical one to a mental one? Sometimes that is all it takes -- the mind to take over and push for that last minute, that last rep. If the mind can make the body continue, how much longer could you continue? Could you continue until the muscles fail when the mind tells them to work? When they fail, could they rest for a brief moment, and could the mind tell them to work again, and would they respond? The mind is a powerful thing -- can you condition your mind to help you achieve better results? THINK about it.

Is it peer pressure? When you are working out with others, do you feel the need to continue, even when your body tells you otherwise? Seeing others continue, in the face of similar obstacles, can motivate you to continue, to do what they may do effortlessly. When they get that one more round, it motivates you to get it too, to keep up. We always want to keep up, compare our efforts to others, whether it is weights, reps, time, etc. Working out with others makes that comparison easier. The results are real-time, instantaneous.

What motivates you?

Is in an internal desire to be the best? Do you want to win? Be successful? Do you find inner satisfaction knowing that you did your best? That feeling of, "I did it, excellently". It's that internal flame of achievement that tells you to do the best, be the best, be or do better than last time. It is more than the sense of accomplishment, although accomplishment is achieved. It is the sense of satisfaction or success when you know you have done what you set out to do. You set a goal for yourself, and surpassed that goal. You continually raise the bar on your goals so that you can be better. In your mind, you must continually reach that ever-raising bar, and in doing so, you are satisfied.

Is it a survival instinct? The natural instinct to persevere against all obstacles, animalistic, primal. You may not even know that it is happening -- it just happens. Something is keeping your body going when everything says to stop. Something intrinsic only in nature. People have been able to survive when facing unbelievable obstacles -- deathly experiences. They survive. How?? Has a workout ever been so difficult, that it became survival? Or did it really just feel that way??

What motivates you???

Motivation

There are many things that motivate me. My desire to constantly do better, be better -- in many ways (performance, with my family, my job, etc.) -- to develop that mental toughness that surmounts obstacles, achieves results and succeeds in the given situation.

This, along with an understanding of no matter how horrible, difficult, miserable (pick your negative adjective) things can be, they can always be worse, and they are worse for many people.

And as horrible as things can sometimes be for me, there is almost always a silver lining, or an end in sight. One more minute, one more round, one more rep... TIME!

There is also nothing like a good, inspirational article from AgainFaster:

http://www.againfaster.com/articles/from-the-archives-dedication.html
http://www.againfaster.com/articles/you-are-beautiful.html
http://www.againfaster.com/articles/youll-be-fine.html
http://www.againfaster.com/articles/fortitude.html

The list could go on, but I think you get it...