Fitness Beyond Ordinary

My Fight – The Truth, as I Remember it and as I Live it

2011-10-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have been asked many times what exactly happened – how I knew I had a brain tumor. Below I have tried to retell my story, as best as I can remember it. There are many moments that are a blur, some I just don’t remember at all, and some that just happen to come back to me at odd moments. There are also some I will never forget. So, here it is… the truth as I remember it and as I live it, the workout of my life, my fight.

In March, I did the first CrossFit Open workout. I was so excited to participate in the Open, especially since there was now a Masters category, and I qualified. I would be 47 at the time of the CrossFit Games.

The first WOD was:

10 min AMRAP of:
30 Double-unders
15 Power snatch

I thought I did okay on it, but felt horrible afterwards. I felt like I had just completed Fran, twice in a row, maybe three times. At that time, according to the rankings on the CrossFit Open site, I was 29th in the world in my age group.

Several days after that, I was headed to Seattle for a visit with my family. I spent a couple of the days in Seattle on my parents couch, with a horrible headache. It went away with Advil and Tylenol, taken at the same time. I also experienced a strange vision occurrence. It was as if ripples on the water made a ring in my line of vision, only on the right side. If I held my hand up near the side of my face, shading my eye, it went away. It also didn’t last long, only a few minutes. But it came back a couple of times while there.

When I got home the headaches continued. They were still treatable with Advil and Tylenol, sometimes not even concurrently, so I didn’t think much of them. And I also had occasional vision issues, but not frequently.

I had decided to try the workout again. I remember how it made me feel the first time, but wanted to give it another go. I had thought through a strategy, and felt confident that I could do better. However, when I did it, I struggled, and barely achieved the exact same results as I did the first time.

I also started to notice some other performance issues. We did the Bear Complex one day, and I struggled on a weight that was lighter than my previous Bear Complex. Something was not right, but I did not recognize it. Things always feel heavy, but things really felt heavier than they should have. My coaches noticed the difference.

Finally, one Saturday morning I just had a hard time getting out of bed. I had a horrible headache, and had just taken Advil and Tylenol, and gone back to bed. I was dozing in and out of sleep. I was just exhausted and wanted to stay in bed. Jen was on her way home and kept trying to call me, but I did not answer. I didn’t hear the phone, although it was right next to me. She called my cell phone, and my work phone, and I didn’t hear either.

When she got home she told me she had been calling and was concerned I didn’t answer. I told her how I felt. She recognized this as completely abnormal for me. I am normally awake early in the morning. Staying in bed was not normal for me. Combined with the headaches and performance issues, something was not right. She said she was going to take me to the emergency room and I did not argue. We went to St. Joseph’s hospital, because the Barrow Neurological Institute is connected to it, and what I was experiencing was neurological. This was Saturday, April 2, 2011.

ER
I was taken into the ER fairly quickly. They brought me back to a curtained-off room and asked me a lot of questions about my symptoms and the length of time I had been experiencing them. They then told me that they were going to do a CT scan of my head. I have had these before, so I had no issue with this.

After the CT scan, I waited in my curtained-off room for the results, hoping to go home soon, as I had been there for some time. The PA came in and said something I will always remember. The conversation went like this:

PA: “Well, we are going to admit you.”
Me: “Admit me? Why?”
PA: “Well, there is something on your scan.”
Me: “What do you mean, ‘Something on my scan?’?”
PA: “There is a mass in your head. You are going to have surgery”
Me: “What do you mean, ‘a mass’”?
PA: “A tumor. You will have to have brain surgery, probably tomorrow”

I remember feeling terrified. So terrified that I could not even call my parents to tell them. I asked Jen to call them, which she did. Every thought you can imagine was going through my head. Every thought. I could not believe this was happening. And I wanted to know why, but I knew I would never know. All I knew was that I was terrified. More terrified than I had ever been.

In the Hospital
I was admitted to the intensive care unit (ICU) in the hospital, where I was hooked up to lots of machines and many more tests were run. I had an MRI and another CT scan done. Because of my level of fitness, I kept setting off the alarms on the machines I was hooked up to. My resting heart rate was alarming, as was my respiratory rate. They finally adjusted the machines so that they would not go off when I hit “normal” low levels. They said that I was an athlete and the machines needed to be adjusted accordingly.

I had no idea what was happening. I had been accustomed to having a good amount of control of my environment, but this was way beyond my control. I had nothing, and I had to just trust. Still terrified…

After all the tests, I started getting visited by more doctors than I could remember. All I know is that they all had either “neuro” or “oncol” as a part of their titles. It was determined that I would not have surgery on Sunday, but possibly Monday or Tuesday. Monday, I was told, was the day that the “Tumor Board” met, and they may want to determine the best course of surgery and treatment for me. The board consisted of the neuro-surgeons, radiologists, and neuro-oncologists, and probably others. But these are the doctors I was told about. Again, the key words, “neuro” and “oncol”, this time, along with the word surgeon. It was all so surreal.

On Monday afternoon I was told that my surgery was going to take place on Tuesday, at a soon to be determined time. I was to have more tests, and was started on anti-convulsants to prepare me for surgery.

My parents arrived sometime, I don’t remember exactly when. I just know that they were there. And someone came in and started talking to me about participating in a clinical trial. This particular trial was for a drug orally administered prior to surgery that fluoresces cancerous cells under a blue light during surgery, making them easier to identify. I was told it was standard surgical treatment in Europe, but not yet approved in the United States. I thought that even if I didn’t get the benefits of the drug, if participating in the trial could potentially help others, then I wanted to participate.

On Monday I also met with my surgeon. He told me what was going to happen. They would shave a strip of hair right above my right ear, and open up my skull to remove the tumor. Once removed, the area would be closed with a titanium plate, and my skin glued back together. I would have no stitches, and any scarring would be hidden by my hair. After surgery I would be back in ICU, until they thought I could be moved to the regular floor.

Sometime late in the day on Tuesday I was prepped for surgery and taken down. I was given the trial drug, or placebo, and taken in to the room. I remember the taste of the drug – sour and citrus, like the lime juice you can buy in the store that comes in the plastic limes, or Rose’s lime juice. Once in the surgical room, I remember them putting the mask on me and telling me that it was oxygen. I remember trying to tell them that I know it is not just oxygen, and that I was going to be out very soon. And that is all I remember.

The next thing I remember is going back to my room in ICU. I have no recollection of even being in the recovery room after surgery. I was then in my room, and the doctors started to arrive. I remember being told I had surgery and they removed the tumor and tissue was sent for testing to determine what kind of tumor it was.

For some reason, my ankles were really hurting me. It was the only thing that hurt at that time. I was on so much pain medication, that the doctors and nurses were surprised that I was in such pain. They didn’t know why my ankles hurt so much. In hindsight, I wonder if I was strapped on to the table and rotated to the side so that the doctor could have easier access to the right side of my head. Perhaps, if so, the straps hurt my ankles. To this day, I have reduced feeling in my toes, ankles, and feet, in general.

The neurological tests began right after surgery. I was put through them so often over the next several days that I remember them:

“Follow my light with your eyes”
“Squeeze my fingers”
“Smile real big”
“Stick your tongue out”
“Close your eyes, hold your arms out, palms up, like you are holding a tray, and hold it”
“Push me away”
“Pull me towards you”
“Close your eyes. Do you feel this?” (following some sort of scraping or touching of my skin)
“Am I raising your finger up or down? Up or down? Up or down?”
And the more complex ones:
- “What day is it”
- “Who is President”
- “Who was President before him”
- “Spell the word ‘world’ backwards”

I don’t recall how long I was in ICU, or when specifically I was moved to the floor. My time in ICU after surgery is very fuzzy. I remember the doctors coming and going, and visitors doing the same.

I vaguely remember my surgeon coming in to tell me how things went, but I don’t remember what he said. Later, I was told he said that my tumor was fully encapsulated, meaning it has not grown “tentacles”, which make it difficult to remove, especially in the brain. It also had bled inside of it. This is all rare for my type of tumor. He said the surgery went well.

There was also some discussion surrounding whether or not the workout made the tumor bleed, which may have triggered the actual discovery of it.

The one thing I do remember is the Neuro Oncologist coming in to tell me the results of the tests done on my tumor. This may have happened on the floor rather than in ICU, as it happened a day or two after my surgery. It really doesn’t matter where it happened, only what he said. He said that it was a glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), very aggressive brain cancer. I prayed for the word “benign”, but received “malignant”, and statistics were not good. I remember telling him that I was not a statistic. He said that once I recovered from surgery, I would begin a regimen of radiation and chemo-therapy. His bedside manner was less than desirable, and I felt very scared, unsure, angry and confused.

The routine at the hospital was complex and very different from what I was accustomed to; nurses coming and going and doctors coming and going, all different kinds of medicines being administered via IV or orally, and lots of machines.., bed baths, assistance getting up, eating hospital food. When I was moved from ICU to a regular room, much of this routine continued. However, I was no longer hooked up to so many machines. The nurses checked my vitals at shift changes instead. Also, I started doing more, with assistance. I had to start going for short walks around the floor, and I started using the restroom on my own. I think I remember a seated shower at some point as well, with assistance.

Visitors
Visitors started arriving right after surgery. My uncle on my dad’s side was in town for a conference, and he was able to come visit me. And then my friends started coming. Some I hadn’t seen in a while, and all of them I was so happy to see. They gave me words of encouragement, hugs, hope, and love. My parents were always there, and my brother and his wife flew in as well. Jen stayed with me all the time. She helped me so much during this time, watching out for me, making me feel secure, and just being with me.

Visitors were comforting. It was so good to see everyone. It made me feel connected to the outside world. At the same time, I felt bad that everyone had to take care of me, that I could not take care of myself.

Heading Home
On April 8, I was told I would be released. 3 days after brain surgery. How could this be possible? I thought that there must be some kind of mistake. How could it be that a person could have brain surgery, and go home 3 days later? I was terrified to go home. So much went through my head. What if something happened while I was at home? What would we/I do? It is a long drive back to the hospital. How would I function? How would I make food? How would I remember to take all of my meds?

I still felt out of it, impaired. I didn’t feel capable of doing anything for myself. But yet I sounded and appeared normal to everyone. My feelings were a side effect of the surgery and medications. It was decided that I would not be alone. One of my parents would always be with me.

And I went home. And nothing happened. Everyone helped me, and nothing happened. I was still terrified, every day. So much had happened in the past week; ER, admittance straight to ICU, brain surgery, diagnosis, and then home.

Next Steps – My New Life
For the next couple of weeks, I had follow up appointments with all of the doctors I met in the hospital.

I met with my surgeon two weeks after surgery. He cleared me for light exercise, and said I could do anything I felt comfortable doing. Essentially, I needed to listen to my body. I asked him about the clinical trial I was on for surgery. I did not want him to tell me if I received the drug, because I really did not want to know if I did not receive the drug. But I wanted to ensure that the research director responsible for this trial knew she could contact me if she needed to. My surgeon looked me square in the eyes and told me something that I will never forget. He said, and nearly verbatim, “Well, first, you received the drug, and that made our jobs easier. You are ahead of the curve.” I high-fived him, and thanked him.

I met with the radiologist, who explained what would happen over the next 6-8 weeks. Once fitted with a radiation mask, I would receive 6 weeks of radiation treatments, every weekday, for a total of 30 treatments.

I met with the neuro-oncologist who explained what would happen over the next year. During radiation, I would take oral chemotherapy drugs every day, for 6 weeks, even on days I did not receive radiation. After radiation concluded, I would take a 23 day break, and then start a regimen of 5 days of chemo, 23 days no chemo. From a CrossFit perspective, I look at this as “5 days on, 23 days rest”. I did not know what I do know now, that my chemo dose would increase each cycle until I hit the prescribed dose.

I also met with a research director, who talked with me about a clinical trial I was eligible for. This trial was for a drug not yet approved for first time occurrences of brain tumors, but for reoccurrences. Through the trial, they were looking to get the drug approved for first time occurrences. The drug was approved for first time occurrences of other cancers, just not brain cancer. This trial would require me to receive IV infusions every two weeks, starting concurrently with my radiation and chemo treatments, and continuing for about 14 months total. The trial is a double blind trial, so no one would know if I receive the drug or the placebo. The drug, if I were to receive it, affects the cancer at the blood level, cutting off the blood supply to cancerous cells and causing them to die. I decided to participate in the trial. Again, I thought that even if I didn’t get the benefits of the drug, if participating in the trial could potentially help others, then I wanted to participate. So I signed on the dotted line, in multiple places.

Appointments, Appointments, and More Appointments
I had a calendar, but I was quickly learning that it was not going to be large enough to keep track of all my appointments. Doctors, lab work, people coming and going, and just life appointments.

On May 2 I was scheduled to have a CT scan and what was called a “dry run” in radiation. I know now I was told what would happen during this dry run, but at the time, I didn’t know. It turns out that this was when I was to be fitted for my radiation mask.

The radiation mask is a custom-fitted, plastic face mask that holds your head firmly to the table during radiation treatments. It is important that it fits snugly, so you can’t move your head at all. It starts out as a sheet of firm, flat, plastic mesh. The technician soaks the mesh in warm water so it is pliable, then presses it down on your face and locks it down, as if it was an actual treatment. In this way, the plastic then molds to fit the exact dimensions of your face and head.

The mask takes about 30 minutes to dry, and you are locked down the entire time. Once it is dry, the technician then needs to take measurements and align the mask up to a laser. All of this is done while the mask is still locked down. The measurements are critical to ensure that the treatments are in the correct place. X-rays are also taken to ensure this. The mask is marked so that once treatments are started; the measurements will always be the same. This was a frightening experience.

It was at this time I learned that I would have radiation every weekday at 2:45. I was to take my chemo drugs 1 hour before, at 1:45, and anti-nausea medication at 12:45, 7 days a week. Treatments were to start on May 3 or 4.My first infusion was to be on May 26.

Treatments
I find it interesting that getting chemo and radiation is called a treatment. There is nothing “treat” about it. But it is treating the illness. So from that perspective it makes sense.

Every day I would take my anti-nausea and chemo drugs at 12:45 and 1:45 respectively. Monday through Friday I would get radiation at 2:45. It was only part of the routine. I would leave the house at 2pm to get to St. Joes. I would eat at 12:45, and take my supplements. Everything was documented, written down, so that I would remember that I did it, and am able to look back and see what I did.

Because radiation was at the same time every day, I’d see the same people. On the way to radiation, there was always a girl with cherry-colored hair at the bus stop. In the radiation building there was Gary, whose ride was always late. There was the girl with the tattoos, Doug with the iPod, and a couple others.

I also got to know each of the technicians by name. They were wonderful, and made this difficult experience more tolerable. They also got to know me. I shared with them my CrossFit experience. When I was completely done with radiation, I sent them a thank you card and gift basket. I hope to someday see them again, under different circumstances. They were truly wonderful people.

Of all my treatments, the radiation was the most difficult. Radiation is designed to damage cellular DNA. Cancerous cells with damaged DNA cannot recover or replicate. They die. Normal cells with damaged DNA recover and replicate.

The treatments didn’t take too long to do, as I was only in the treatment room for about 10 minutes. But the aftereffects were challenging. My treatment was at 2:45. By 3:15 I would start getting a headache and start feeling tired. The headache was attributed to swelling from the treatment. My radio-oncologist put me on steroids, which I remained on for quite some time. The steroids helped with the headaches and nausea from the radiation. I had to be tapered off the steroids.

People ask me what radiation was like. It was mentally challenging, but CrossFit prepared me well. I would lie on a table and get strapped down. My radiation mask would be locked into place so that I could not move my head. I had to be still. I was lined up using lasers, so that I was in the exact same place every time I went in. I received a total of 9 treatments per radiation session. There would be 7, and then the technicians would come in and turn the table so my position would change, and I would receive the remaining 2.

While I lay there, locked in, I prayed. I prayed for myself, and I prayed for others. I think it is important to pray for others as well. I said multiple prayers, and I had beads to keep track of each one. I also talked to God about the fight against asteroids . I liken this ongoing fight to the game of Asteroids. I am fighting. God is my copilot. My family joined in as the tail gunner, navigator, bombardier, and wing girl/man. And I have a ground crew of all my CrossFit friends, helping us on our way.

On my first radiation treatment, part of a Bible verse kept going through my head, “Be still”. I could not remember the entire verse, just “be still”. And it helped me be still on the table, not cough or swallow too hard so that my head would accidentally move. After the first treatment I was telling a good friend about this, and he sent me the verse. It was Exodus 14:14, “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." This also became a prayer for my treatments.

While all this was going on, I found that I was struggling trying to remember things. Simple routine things, like if I showered, took my medication or supplements, what I ate the day before. I found that I needed to start to write things down, journal all my food and meds, so that I would know if I was eating enough and properly, and would know how my day really was. I didn’t trust myself. Everything got written down. Everything. This has since changed, and I no longer log everything. But I sometimes still don’t trust myself.

The radiation also caused my hair to start falling out. It fell out in the areas in which I received my treatments. This really did not bother me – I expected it, and it is only hair. I also got some radiation burns on my right side, where the majority of the treatments were applied. My skin dried and pealed off, much like sunburn.

One radiation treatment was applied into my right ear. This caused my ear to get the dry, flakey and pealing skin that my scalp had. However, the flakes logged in my ear. After my treatments ended, I went to an ear nose and throat specialist. I had my ear vacuumed out a couple of times, and have since been on drops to try to help my ear recover. I also have a little bit of hearing loss in that ear. My ear still is not feeling as it should, so I continue to see the ear nose and throat specialist to try to kick-start it back to health.

My last day of radiation was June 15. At this time, I started my 23 day break from chemotherapy. Once the break ended, my regimen changed to 5 days of chemo followed by 23 days off. The dose of chemo also changed, and continued to change until I got to my maintenance dose of 350mg. I always start on a Tuesday, and take my last dose on a Saturday, that way when I am feeling the worse, it doesn’t interfere with work.

This regimen, along with my bi-weekly infusions, will continue until sometime in July, 2012. Additionally, I will have MRIs every 2 months, then going to 6 months, then yearly, probably for the rest of my life.

The chemo drug is very tolerable. I take the anti-nausea medicine one hour prior, and then take the chemo. This is timed so that I take the chemo just before I go to bed at night, that way I sleep through some potential side effects. On a couple of occasions I have not calculated the timing properly, and have had to force myself to stay awake so that I could take my chemo. Now I plan a little better.

By the end of the 5th day of chemo, I feel very fatigued and pretty nauseous. I have had to start taking anti-nausea medicine during the day to help get me through. The Sunday after my last dose tends to be a “lost day”, as I am still nauseous and very fatigued. By Monday I am feeling better, but not “normal”, sometimes needing additional anti-nausea medicine. I guess, really, nothing is normal as I knew it. It is a different normal.

So today, it is just the chemo regimen of 5 days on, 23 days rest, Infusions every two weeks, lab work every week, and an MRI every 2 months. I also continue to have doctors’ appointments, and receive the barrage of neurological tests, similar to those I received in the hospital. In July, 2012, that changes.

Additional and Unexpected
Right after surgery there was much I could not do. Although I was cleared to do some things, I didn’t drive for a while, didn’t cook much, and generally didn’t do much without someone else around. The same was true after radiation. I just didn’t feel comfortable doing normal things. I was afraid to drive. The movement was overwhelming and made me dizzy. It was just too much to mentally process. I wasn't quite expecting this.

The issue with my ear was somewhat unexpected. I knew that I may have some issue, but I was not sure what it would be. I will continue to have follow up appointments with the specialist to try to get it resolved.

Also, I started counseling. I think this was maybe the best thing I could have done, and I think it is really helping. I had found that my confidence had deteriorated. I started having anxiety attacks over little things. There are other things as well, that the counseling has helped with.

And Then Everything Fell Apart
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to move out of the house I was living in. It was an unplanned move due to an unpleasant situation. At around 6pm my friends came over and boxed up my belongings, loaded a truck, and drove me to my new home. It was the fastest and least planned move I had ever made. But, for my health, it was the most important. I am forever grateful to my friends who helped me. I definitely could not have done the move without them.

Living in a new place, and new neighborhood, was so hard. I didn’t know my way around. I was just starting to get comfortable driving again, and now I had to start over, in an unfamiliar area. I was terrified. I was told to have someone with me 24/7, to ensure I was ok. I had to ask for help, and this was so difficult. I did, and my friends came. They stayed with me and made sure I was well. They helped me go to the grocery store, doctor’s appointments, and make dinner. I am forever blessed by their love and generosity.

Work
Obviously, I was unable to work while in the hospital. But when I got home, I began work again. I work from home so that gave me flexibility to go to doctors' appointments, radiation, and rest when needed. I didn’t skip a beat at work, and so far, have achieved nearly all of my goals for the fiscal year. Now, I sometimes work too much, and don’t take enough breaks. I realize this later in the day, when I start to get fatigued. I look back on my day and realize that I have been working since 5 or 6am, ate lunch at my desk, and didn’t stop working until after 3pm. I try to be more cognizant of how much I am working, and also be more efficient at what I am doing.

I am thankful to have work, as it gives me something to focus on. I am so blessed to have a job that provides me with the flexibility to go to doctors' appointments and other appointments.

Next on the Horizon
My treatments will continue through the July, 2012 timeframe, and MRIs continue long after that. At a yet to be determined time, I hope to move to the Seattle area to be closer to my family. This means changes in doctors for my future care, changes in insurance, and changes in my routine. This is all very stressful and scary to me. Right now, although CrossFit prepares us for the unknown and the unknowable, I struggle with this potential change. With my friends, faith and family, I pray to fight through.

How Does CrossFit Fit Into All of This?
When I was disgnosed, I was in the best physical and mental shape of my life. I owe this to CrossFit. I wonder if I hadn't been in such good condition, if my outcome would have been different. It will never be known.

After cleared from surgery, I was able to begin working out again, although not lifting anything over 30% of my max. This was fine with me, because I was afraid to lift anything at all. I was also told to start slowly and listen to my body.
I lost quite a bit of muscle while in the hospital and going through treatments. My first goal is to try to regain some of what was lost. I had been initially just focussing on strength movements, but have recently started to do regular metcon workouts in addition to strength. I hope to continue this.

Besides the conditioning, CrossFit has given me community. It has become a family. The people who do CrossFit have many things and experiences in common. We are bound together by common experiences, by our WODs. And this community reached out to me, and continues to hold me in their hearts. For this I am very grateful and blessed. My WODs may be different now, but we all have different WODs... or WUUs.

A Final Word
I have said this before, and I would like to say it again. As difficult as the past 6 months have been, I have had times where I have seen and felt the love of friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers. It is an amazing feeling. People are truly remarkable. They really are.

I have also had some God moments, some miraculous moments. I know that God is with me. If you would like details, let me know. I have started writing them down, so I don’t forget. I call it My Little Book of Miracles. I pray one day it is not so little.

Attitude and Perspective

2011-09-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

Every WOD is a new opportunity to do well. To change attitude. Sometimes it is important to slow down and take a breath.

I am in a position now of not being able to workout at the same level I have been accustomed to over the past few years. I had been what would be considered a hard-core crossfitter for the past 3+ years. I have lifted tons of heavy weight, had some very good times in named workouts, even better than those half my age, and had aspirations to compete.

But life happens. And sometimes the road we want to travel is not the road that has been planned for us. I am now on the road that has been planned for me, and it is very different from what I had imagined. I am blessed to have the opportunity to workout again. And with each workout, I have the opportunity to do well, to change my attitude.

I am unable to work at the intensity and level that I previously did. But I am able to work. Every weight feels heavier than it previously did. Every rep feels harder. Every minute feels longer. Every WOD feels slower. And they all are. But it is alright. It is what it is. And ultimately, it is a new opportunity to do well.

I use to warm up my dead lifts at 135#. I now warm up at 95#. But I can dead lift. I use to squat in the 200s. Now I am barely squatting 143#. But I am squatting. It took me over 20 seconds to run 100Ms. But I ran. And I am so blessed to be able to do all of this.

As I heal, as I recover, I find it more and more important to listen to those around me, my coaches. They know what I am capable of, and they know what I can bring to the table at each workout. Some days they may say to try something, other days, they may say to call it a day. Some days they may say to push harder, other days they may say to just go through the paces.

The other day we did Fran as a workout. 21-15-9 of thrusters and pull ups. My previous Fran time was 5:09. It was memorialized in video. I could watch it over and over. It was also the WOD that was done for my benefit at the Lift it and Love it benefit. It is a WOD that is over before you know it, and you feel like you were hit by a truck when you have finished. When Fran shows up on the board, everyone sighs.

5:09… That was then. Now things are very different. I was told to use the empty bar – 33#. I was also told to take it easy. That is was not a typical “Fran” for me. I was afraid. I didn’t know if I could do it. When all is said and done, it is 45 thrusters and 45 pull ups. The clock started, and so did I. It felt good, natural.

The movements were natural. But my body was not quite ready for the cardio component. Sometime during the workout, my coach said, “Lauriel, I want you to rest before you start your pull ups. Catch some air.” This happened a few times. I was also told that it was not going to be like my previous Fran.

I was fine with it all. I needed the rest. I needed the perspective. My body and mind had been trained otherwise, but I needed to listen to my coach. And I listened. I rested.

I caught some air. And I eventually finished. It took me 8:28 to finish, but I finished.

I was so happy to have finished for a couple of reasons. First, it was the WOD that many others did for my benefit on 8/13/11 at CrossFit480. They did it for me, and this day I did it for them. Second, it is such a difficult WOD, even scaled. It taxes the mind and the body.

Every day is a new opportunity, and attitude and perspective is everything. It took me 8:28 to finish Fran. I dumped a back squat at 143#. But I finished Fran, and I did get 2 reps at 143#. Next time I may do better. Or maybe I won’t. It really doesn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things.

What really matters is the perspective. I am traveling a difficult road. The fact that I can even do any of what I am doing makes me so blessed. I am so grateful and overwhelmed.

So when workouts get the best of you, push through and keep perspective. When weights feel heavy, do your best, and keep perspective. Some days will be PR days, and others won’t. Some days you will feel like you can’t do anything wrong, and other days you will feel like you can’t do anything right.

I saw this picture at a doctor’s office during a recent visit. The quote says, “Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to what happens: not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst… A spark that creates extraordinary results.”

It is the same during WODs. Each WOD or rep may not be a PR. But how you look at it may create extraordinary results. Maybe it gives you the strength do PR the next time. Or maybe it allows you to finish in time to push another person, so that they are able to PR. Or maybe it just gives you perspective so that you realize how blessed you truly are, as you are able to do something that many are unable to do.

Life is the same way. Every day is not going to be a PR. But, as the quote says, “Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to what happens: not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life…” Life is precious.

My New WOD

2011-07-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

The WOD I have been doing is not one that is an AMRAP, or has a specific time component, or is about an amount of weight. It doesn't take the strength required to lift something heavy, or do as many reps as possible, or even do a series of exercises in the fastest time possible.

This WOD requires a different kind of strength. This WOD has required mental toughness, perseverance, trust, and the ability to deal with the unknown. It is a strength that comes from within. And sometimes borrowed from the strength of others. Those who have reached out to me with their love and kindness have helped me be stronger. And their strength has helped me fight harder.

In reality, it is not really even a WOD – Workout of the Day. This is more of a Workout of Unknown and Unknowable – A WUU, if you will. Interestingly enough, that is what CrossFit prepares us for, the unknown and the unknowable.

CrossFit trains us in cardiovascular and respiratory endurance, stamina, strength, flexibility, power, speed, coordination, agility, balance, and accuracy, all so we can be prepared for the unknown and the unknowable. I have had to rely on all of these elements to tackle this WUU.

Cardiovascular and Respiratory Endurance and Stamina
These kind of go together for me. I have had to endure many things that some may find frightening. They have been scary to me as well. There have been many hospital visits, many needle pricks for a multitude of things, a surgery, radiation, lots of medications, and the side effects of it all. Through this I have had to have the stamina to endure. What else would I do? I thank God for CrossFit to teach me about stamina and endurance. About pushing through when the going gets tough.

Strength
Going into this WUU, I was strong. I could lift heavy things, and move them around. But strength, as we learn in CrossFit, may not necessarily be about moving heavy objects. It may also be about inner strength. The inner strength needed to push through when a WOD is beating you up and you have the strength to fight back. This is a strength that comes from within, and is not about muscle. It is when you reach down inside and come up with that extra push needed to finish. For me, it is the inner strength to endure the unknown (i.e., how much longer will I feel this way, will this make me feel better or worse?) and to have the stamina to push through when I am struggling (i.e., how many more radiation treatments? writing everything down because of short-term memory loss).

Flexibility
CrossFit makes us flexible enough to squat deeply with heavy objects overhead, and just be able to squat in general. We are also flexible enough to dead lift heavy objects off the ground. This is flexibility in terms of body mechanics. But there is also a different type of flexibility that CrossFit prepares us for. It is, again, a mental flexibility. We go into WODs without knowing what we are walking into. The WODs may not be posted. We must be flexible enough to handle what is put before, whether is what we want to do that day or not.

For my WUU, it is the same. I have had to be flexible enough to handle what has been put before me, without knowing what it. This is in terms of treatments, doctors’ appointments, nutrition, and inability to do the things I was previously able to do.

Power
CrossFit teaches us about power – how far we can move an object and at what speed. Some movements even have “power” in their titles (power clean, power snatch). But there is also the mental side of power – the mind over matter power. This is the ability to think about something, and, thus make it happen. In WODs, this might be that extra push at the end of a WOD, or that extra push to get a PR. My WUU also has power. I have had to have mind over matter power, especially during my treatments. When they became difficult to bear, I had to power my way through them. I needed that extra mental push to get to the finish line.

Speed
This is an easy one for CrossFit. It is about how fast you can go, and training to be faster. For my WUU it is not much different. Daily, I try to get normal things completed more quickly. And when I say normal, I truly mean normal. Things like grocery shopping, getting dressed and folding laundry. Normal things that I had become slow at, I am now focusing on becoming faster at. Or perhaps I should just say, “normal” at. It is a different kind of speed, but speed nonetheless.

Coordination
Many of the CrossFit movements require us to be coordinated. Improvements in coordination come through practice. WODs are designed to aid in the improvement of coordination – the practice of coordination. My WUU is constantly aiding in the improvement of my coordination. After treatments my coordination deteriorated. Day by day, I have been challenged to have coordination for very basic things. Things that many may not think of as needing coordination. Things like shaving my legs, changing a light bulb, slicing an avocado, typing, and of course, driving. I have had to work on improving my coordination, so these very basic things start to feel second nature, as they did prior to surgery. My WUU is helping me improve my coordination.

Agility
CrossFit helps us develop our agility. Whether it is in a movement, such as a double under, or just being agile enough to move from one movement to another, we train to become more agile. Over time, my WUU has been improving my agility. As in coordination, it is not the agility that I have been accustomed to, but more the basic things that most people can do without thinking. My agility has diminished, so I have had to retrain it for day to day life. I have had to use agility to cook food without burning it, to do the dishes, to put away groceries, to type on the computer, and, of course, to drive a car. Thank goodness that CrossFit has taught me to train this element.

Balance
Another item that must be trained, balance most is evident in the CrossFit gymnastics movements. WODS that have handstand pushups or ring dips require balance (i.e.). My WUU has also required balance. Not only in day to day activities, but mental balance as well. I have had to redevelop my balance. Whether walking down stairs, grocery shopping, or, again, shaving my legs, I have had to relearn and train my balance. Additionally, I have had to mentally balance my day to day medication regimen, and coordinate it with my day to day appointments. A true balancing act…

Accuracy
CrossFit has also trained our accuracy. Whether throwing a medicine ball, performing an Olympic lift, jumping on a box, or doing double unders, there are many elements of CrossFit that train our accuracy. Our WODs challenge us in this area in nearly every WOD. If we can be accurate, we can be efficient, and we can therefore be more powerful. My WUU has also been training my accuracy, but in different ways. I have had to become accurate at typing (thank goodness for spell check), at brushing my hair, at tossing a salad, at cutting an apple, and, of course, at driving.

In Summary
On many of these items, CrossFit has taught me that with patience, practice, and perseverance, things improve. And in my WUU, with patience, practice and perseverance, things will improve. CrossFit has given me some skills to get through the unknown and unknowable, and for that I am blessed. As CrossFitters, we work on these things together. Our WODs contain elements related to these items. My WUU contains elements related to these items. These things tie us together, unite us, and make us one, as we have each experienced them in one form or another. So, while I am doing my WUU, all my CrossFit friends are doing their WODs. And in these workouts, we are bound together. This I have learned.

I have never been so challenged as I have been over the past 3 months. There are many adjectives I can use to describe what I have been feeling. Surprisingly, they are not all negative. Yes, there are the ones like scared, hurting, and angry. But there are also many more positive ones. There is also optimistic, faithful, overwhelmed, thankful, blessed, etc. I have been so overwhelmed by the love and support from my friends, family, and loved ones. And this love and support has consistently reminded me of the positive adjectives.

And there are those friends I really don't know, who have reached out to me via FaceBook. Many of who are in the CrossFit community, through which we are united. The worldwide CrossFit community has reached out to me, wrapped their arms around me, and held me close. They have prayed for me, done workouts for me, and sent me positive wishes and thoughts, when I have felt down. They have lent me their strength when I needed it. As CrossFitters, we are bound together by the experiences we share, no matter where we live, or whether or not we actually know each other. And I know this now, more than ever. As CrossFitters, they are doing for me, what I would be doing for any one of them. We are a community that is bound together, whether we know each other or not. I am truly blessed to be a part of this community, to have shared in the same experiences with my friends all over the world, whether in a WOD or a WUU.

The Road and Destroying Asteroids

2011-05-01T14:08:00.001-07:00

It is ever-changing. It is unpredictable. What you expect to happen, may not happen, and what may happen, may be unexpected. It is long, but also short. It is straight, but full of twists and turns.

I could not navigate this road without my support group and those who I have met along the way. These are my friends, my family, my loved ones, and my coaches. They are also my competitors, my students, and my “heroes”.

They inspire me, now more than ever.

Ironically, with the exception of the last sentence, I wrote the above a few months ago, at the start of the CrossFit Open competition. It was going to be a post on workout inspiration, but now, is appropriate for my journey ahead. It is an unpredictable roller coaster ride that I am buckling in for, and ready to go. It is also a road that I could not navigate without my support group and those who I have met along the way. Again, these are my friends, my family, my loved ones, and my coaches. They are also my competitors, my students, and my “heroes”. They are also now the doctors and nurses I interact with.

I am ready to battle, fight, and take this on. I am ready for the road ahead. This week it starts. Treatments. I can’t say that I am not afraid, because it is the unknown, like the road, which provides for a certain amount of fear. And there will be bumps, but there are always bumps, and that is normal. But bumps are just that, bumps. So, although I have some fear, I also have perspective. Treatments are designed to ensure, get rid of, eliminate, and kill any remaining bad cells. And these are all good things. Very good things.

I liken it to Asteroids, the old arcade game in which the fighter ship destroyed all the asteroids before the asteroids destroyed the fighter ship. I played this game a lot growing up, and it will be in my mind during the treatments. I am the fighter ship and I will be annihilating asteroids.

I saw this quote the other day, and it really makes sense.

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.” It’s time I learned to dance. I’ve always felt I’ve done so, but now I need to be consistent about it. I want to dance and I need to dance.

And with the love and support of my family, friends, and those who have crossed my path and inspired me in some way, I will traverse the road, destroy the asteroids, and emerge on the other side stronger, healthier, and thankful.

I am deeply touched by those of you in my life and in the lives of those I love. I am grateful and deeply moved.

Rays of Sunshine

2011-04-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

Even a cloudy day has rays of sunshine. And today, although there are not really any clouds where I live, the proverbial cloud exists, and through it, and outside as well, the sun is shining through, and the rays are strong!

I met with my surgeon today. It was an excellent meeting, filled with rays of sunshine. I feel so fortunate and blessed.

First ray, his words, “you are ahead of the curve”. His words. Not mine. He said this to me. He said I am doing fantastic. The fact that I am so healthy and recovering so nicely has put me ahead of the curve. I am excited to learn about this. CrossFit has prepared me well.

Second ray, I found out some good and exciting news that I was hoping for, in terms of the actual surgery. It went very well. Very well. Not to get into details, but I heard some of what I was hoping to hear. And this was and is good.

Third ray, he gave me the go-ahead to begin more active exercise. Cardio – rowing, running, jump rope, etc., whatever I feel up to, but being careful not to push too hard to start with. It will make me tired faster. I can also do body weight exercises – pull ups, push ups, squats, etc. Hopefully my body will remember how! But I was told I could try. And while I cannot lift heavy weights yet, I was told that I can lift 30% of what I was doing prior to surgery, and in another month or so, more. While I totally understand that it will take me a while to get back to where I was, the opportunity to begin to recover is a huge ray of sunshine.

And my family, friends, and those who I don’t know personally who have reached out to me, are also rays of sunshine. I am so thankful for those who have touched me, contacted me, and prayed for me throughout this process, and who continue to do so. I am deeply moved and emotionally overwhelmed by this outpour of love. That seems to be the most descriptive word I have – overwhelmed. Thank you all. Thank you.

So even on the cloudiest of days, there are rays of sunshine. No matter what the circumstance, there are rays of sunshine. Sometimes it may be difficult to see them, but they are there, peaking through the clouds, waiting to be discovered. Today the sun is shining, and the rays are strong.

So tomorrow is a new day, with new rays of sunshine. And tomorrow I WOD for the first time since March 30.

Bull Tossing

2011-04-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

I believe, now more than ever, that we have the ability to impact our own lives simply by having the right attitude. We can have a pity party, or take the bull by the horns and decide to toss it around a bit. While I cannot currently, physically toss the bull around, I mentally can. And that bull is flying far.

I have this vision of a cartoon bull flying through the air, with this perplexed look on his face, wondering what happened. Unfortunately I can't find the appropriate image to share. Little did he know that I had picked him up by the horn, spun him around in the air above me, and tossed him aside. I will replay this vision over and over in my head, as a reminder to stay positive, take the bull by the horns, and toss it aside.

I know that there will be good days and bad days. I am not unrealistic. But I also know that I can control how I approach each day, with grace, determination, and grit, and occasional embarrassment. Yesterday was embarrassment – don’t ask! Today is determination and bull-tossing!

Doctor’s appointments start this week – weeks of follow up. I get to see my surgeon, and hopefully will get cleared to do a little more than walk. Although walking is tiring in itself after what I have just been through. I was going to do Pat’s Run this weekend, but that has now changed. I don’t know if I could walk the 4.2 miles, at least not right now. So then it will have to be next year’s run… And I will run.

I am truly blessed by being surrounded by loved ones. They will help me keep this perspective, this I am sure. I am equally blessed to be in the thoughts of so many. Thank you. You continue to inspire me and motivate me.

Here’s to bull tossing!!!!

Making Lemonade

2011-04-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

You never know what life will throw at you, and all you can do is hope that you are as prepared as possible, and surrounded by people who love you and who you love.

On Saturday, April 2 I went to the emergency room with horrible headaches. Several hours later I was told, after a CT Scan, that I had a mass in my head/brain. What that meant at the time, I was not sure. They said I needed surgery and I was going to be admitted to ICU. Surgery wasn’t going to be until Monday at the earliest. So, ICU for a couple of days while they ran more tests to see what was there.

I ended up having surgery on Tuesday morning, then back to ICU.

I have been blessed in many ways. First, the tumor that was removed was fully encapsulated. This made removal better than it could have been. Also, thanks to CrossFit, I am very healthy and fit. I am also not too old – at least I like to think that… So age is a good factor for me.

I have been surrounded by loved ones and friends ever since I was admitted. My partner, Jen, my dear friend Eileen (E), and the trainers and others from CrossFit Phoenix. I have also been in the thoughts of many people who I have spent time with, who I haven’t’ seen in a while. My Anthem cycling community, and other distant relatives.

My Facebook community has been overwhelming. And the CrossFit community as well. People I don’t really even know have been wishing me their best, praying for me, and keeping me in their thoughts. I am overwhelmed by this outreach, and truly feel blessed. So blessed.

The next journey begins this week. Radiation and Chemo, to ensure that I get anything left behind out of my head. I am kicking this thing to the curb. And kicking it far. I don’t want it back, and I am pissed off. One thing CrossFit has prepared me for is a fight. And I am fighting all the way.

I have many weeks ahead of me. Lots of appointments, changes, and challenges. I will attack them all like the most difficult WOD. And I will get this done. 3, 2, 1….. FIGHT!!! I am kicking ass and taking names!!!!!!

So this is the first of some posts to start to document the changes that are taking place, and allow me the ability to ”talk” about what is going on.

Right now I just feel overwhelmed by the outpour of love and support. Truly overwhelmed.

I also feel like I was just handed a ton of lemons, and I plan on making a ton of lemonade!

Chasing Rabbits

2011-03-04T05:44:00.000-08:00

When we work out, there is always someone who or something that inspires us to do more, work harder, be faster, achieve something that we didn’t think possible. The rabbit. The dog chasses it, constantly trying to catch it. It may not always catch it, but it will try. It will make the best effort every single time it tries. For us, the rabbit is very individualized. It is different for everyone. And we all have a rabbit – something or someone that keeps us going in the face of all odds, that gets us through, that challenges or inspires us, that pushes us.

Perhaps it is a piece of equipment. A heavy kettlebell that you want to eventually swing, or the rings you one day hope to do muscle ups on, or the heavy barbell you someday want to put overhead. It is the inspiration -- that object that signifies that the goal was achieved; you did what you needed to do with it or to it.

Or maybe it’s a person. That one person you always compare yourself to, that you try to emulate, that you try to beat, or that just pushes you in all the right directions, so that you are able to do things you never thought possible. This person might be you coach, who is always in your face, pushing you, who has made you master your technique so that you are capable, or who encourages you daily to try. Or maybe it’s someone you work out with, who is always the one to beat, who pushes you to try heavier weights, work faster during a WOD, to put out that extra effort when you thought you had nothing left to give.

Or maybe it’s something entirely different. Maybe a hero, or family member, or cause that creates the inspiration to achieve more, do more, lift more or just simply be more. Maybe it’s something you didn’t really know about at the time, but it has become evident over time, that there was just something there, pushing you to be better, be faster, lift more, and continue when you didn’t think you could.

We all have a rabbit. And when our rabbit is in hiding, we miss it. We need our rabbits. We do better when we are chasing them. We do more weight, have faster times, and better techniques. We need to chase a rabbit.

Think about it. What or who is your rabbit? Your inspiration? Are you in hot pursuit? It’s time to catch the rabbit.

Post to comments.

Embrace the Bug's Life

2011-02-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

Not every workout will be a PR, be perfect, be great, of even be good. You won’t finish every single workout with the feeling that you are on top of the world, unstoppable, and so far ahead of the game that no one could reach you if they tried. Some workouts may totally suck, break you down, bring you to tears and make you feel like quitting entirely. Some may take you into a deep, dark place that you don’t share with others – that edge of despair. Let’s face it, sometimes you are the bug, and sometime the windshield. You can’t always be the windshield, so when you are the bug, recognizing what it is, is half the battle of getting over it, and perhaps embracing it a little.

If all of our workout were perfect, PRs, unbelievably excellent, then it may just be because we are making them a little too easy. Maybe the weight is not heavy enough, or we are not pushing ourselves hard enough. PRs, especially for strength work, are one thing. They are difficult to make “easy”, I give you that… But workouts? Metcons? If they are consistently too easy, and you are consistently the windshield, then maybe you need to step it up a bit, make it a bit more challenging. Maybe push yourself harder, increase the weight used, decrease the time allowed for the same amount of work, etc.

It’s those moments when we are the bug, that we experience growth, both emotionally and physically. When we challenge ourselves emotionally, we are able to endure more. When we challenge ourselves physically, we are able to do more. If we are able to endure more emotionally, and do more physically, don’t you think we will become better athletes? And stronger bugs? Just because you are the bug, doesn’t mean that you always end up on the windshield. Many bugs live a happy life, without ever meeting the windshield. And wouldn’t you think that a stronger bug is harder to kill, would live longer in nature, and perhaps ricochet off the windshield?
So go out and embrace the bug’s life! It makes the windshield experiences all the sweeter.

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Partial Range of Motion and the Death of Rock and Roll

2011-02-17T05:06:00.000-08:00

Lately I’ve been thinking about movements. I am a stickler for full range of motion. I get pissed off when I see videos posted by CrossFitters demonstrating partial range of motion – not deep enough, not high enough, not fully extended, etc. I have previously written about being accountable, and shown how others have demonstrated accountability. We know what is expected. We know full range of motion. We know this, because it is constantly drilled into our movement standards. Why? Because it works. Full range of motion works. It’s tried and true… It accomplishes the task… It keeps us safe…

So why do we see workouts with partial range of motion movements? What is the benefit of those movements? Does it make sense to do a quarter-squat? Or half a pull up? Or a push up that doesn’t go all the way to the ground? I would agree that there may be some instances where working these partial movements might be good. But they also may be considered advanced movements. Like working the quarter-squat with a bar in the rack position, to explosively work the hip extension of the jerk, and only that hip extension. Or to do pulls off a box in order to specifically train the pull of the clean or snatch, without having to perform the pull off the ground. Working a specific part of the movement. But these are advanced techniques and advanced movements, and may not be safe for all people.

The other day, someone asked me if rock and roll in America was dead. The person who asked me this question told me to really think about it. It was posed to me during an email exchange about partial range of motion exercises. I thought it kind of funny that the question was asked, and off track from the topic. But I decided to give it some thought, and perhaps humor the person who asked. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how it tied in to the discussion of partial range of motion movements. The following was my response, after thinking about the question for many hours. Let me know… Do you agree??? Post to Comments.

CDs

hologram singer

She is not real

Perhaps Rock and roll has just become fast food music -- quick, easy, marketable, cheap, and accessible

Rock and roll died a while ago

So back to the squatting... and partial range of motion movements for strength... In a way, it's like rock and roll. The squat is the traditional movement -- reliable. You know it will build strength, and has proven to do so for years and years... And along comes someone with the thought of doing partial range of motion squats -- if 1 squat is great, partials must be better... Like sampling music, regurgitating music. The problem is, partials are not the same. It is not true to the original intent. It's someone regurgitation for potential convenience, promising quicker results. It is fast food and modern music all in one. I think I'd rather have my squats, rock and roll, and Paleo...

(note that this was written prior to the 50 body weight back squat challenge, hence the reference to 30 body weight back squats)

So, what do you think? Is rock and roll in America dead?

Post to comments.

Today I Squat For…

2011-01-31T08:03:00.000-08:00

I first heard about Amanda Miller on April 27, 2010. CrossFit.com had posted a message about her passing. She was a 2009 games competitor and had died several days prior to the posting. I read about her for the first time that day. Her blog was linked to the post.

Something about her story got to me then and continues to get to me. It happened a while back, before the WO at the 2010 Games was named for her. I had read her blog – her story. She documented it for everyone to read. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know why. Bu tit eats away at me, emotionally. She was courageous, she was strong, she was unrelenting.

Then Dave Lipson came along and decided to do 365 days of squatting, to raise awareness and money for skin cancer research. There was a shirt for sale, and I bought it. The money for the shirt goes to the charity. Every time I wear it I think of her. Every time I think of her I get emotional. I don’t know why. I didn’t even know her. Why does it do this to me? Why do I feel this way?

Since early December we have been working on a squat goal at CrossFit Phoenix. We were told our goal was to do 50 body weight back squats. At first, I didn’t relate it to Dave Lipson and his 365 days of squatting. I didn’t even think of Amanda Miller. But last night, as I lay in bed thinking about the next day’s squatting effort, all I could think about was Amanda Miller. I don’t know why. Maybe because today is goal day – 50 body weight back squat day. I have been nervous about it ever since I found out about it. But today I am especially nervous.

It isn’t an easy task. It is daunting. And I am sitting here, thinking about it, and getting so emotional, and I just don’t understand why. I am thinking of Dave Lipson and his efforts for Amanda Miller. And I am thinking of Amanda Miller – someone I didn’t even know.

Dave Lipson, every day, squatting for Amanda Miller. Amanda Miller obviously touched him somehow – made him want to do something. And her story has somehow touched me. And while I really don’t have the ability to perhaps make a difference the way Dave Lipson can, I can do my best at this effort today. I can do my best.

I am still nervous about it, but maybe for different reasons. Before I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to do it and I would fail. Now, I while I feel more confident that I can do it, I am still nervous. I know I need to get this. I know I need to succeed. Because today I will do 50 body weight back squats for Amanda Miller.

Post to comments...

2/2/11 Follow-up

So 1/31/11 was the culmination of a two-month goal -- 50 body weight back squats, unbroken, without setting down the bar.

The night before I had a hard time sleeping. I was really restless. For some reason, i kept thinking of Dave Lipson and his squat challenge. And that made me think of Amanda Miller. I blogged about it as soon as I woke up - I became emotional, weepy, and I didn't know why. I was like that all day. Seriously -- weepy.

Class time came. We warmed up with back squats, at moderate weight, to get ready for the 50. Then it came time for the 50. I had to go first... This is the moment when I really hate the fact that I weigh so much!!! 50 squats at 155#. Really????

I got to 15 and thought, holy crap... I don't know if I can do this... And I thought of Dave Lipson and Amanda Miller, and I kept going. I got to 30 and I thought that I did 40 two weeks ago, I could do 40 again. And I got to 40. When I hit 40, I was told that it all counts now - this is where my reps start. The last set of 10. This is where it matters. And I thought again of Amanda, and I heard my friends pushing me, and I dug in and hit 50.

I racked the bar and fell to the ground and cried. I have only cried one other time in a WO, and that was a 9/11 WO we did. But I cried on 1/31/11. And I'm sure I will again in the future.

On Coaching

2011-01-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

Webster defines a coach as “one who instructs or trains – one who instructs players in the fundamentals of a competitive sport and directs team strategy”. To coach, the verb form of coach, is defined as “to instruct, direct, or prompt as a coach – to train intensively (as by instruction and demonstration)”.

Interestingly enough, there are 10 characteristics of highly successful coaches. This is direct from the US Olympic Committee Coaching Developing Department.

Committed to individual integrity, values, and personal growth.
Profound thinkers who see themselves as educators, not just coaches.
Well-educated (formally and informally) in a liberal arts tradition.
Long-run commitment to their athletes and their institution.
Willing to experiment with new ideas.
Value the coach-player relationship, winning aside.
Understand and appreciate human nature.
Love their sport and work.
Honest and strong in character.
Human and therefore imperfect.

Additional characteristics may be that the coach:

Knows the sport
Seeks out new information
Is a motivator
Knows the athlete's capabilities
Is an effective communicator
Is a good listener
Is disciplined
Leads by example
Displays commitment

These are just some of the characteristics. A good coach, obviously does not have to exhibit all of these characteristics, but at least many. And some may be more important than others. Some, without the others, may not make for a good coach, while some without the others would still make for a good coach. It is also what it going to have the most impact on the individual being coached – what is needed.

Another thing to think about is that a good coach for you in the beginning of your athletic endeavors may not be the best coach for you as you advance in your skills and knowledge. Throughout your athletic career, as your goals and abilities change, you may need to change coaches.

It is important to understand what you need, as an athlete, to ensure you are getting the most out of your abilities. Knowing what you need from a coach is critical in evaluating whether or not you are receiving the best coaching for your current abilities and future goals.

Since my CrossFit training began, I have had several coaches. Where I started is a far distance back from where I am now. The coaches who have helped me along my way have all been invaluable, as they were exactly what I needed at that given point in time. I currently train at CrossFit Phoenix and I am also a coach myself. The coaching I receive is perfect for me. I am challenged to push my abilities by a coach who knows where I am currently in my abilities, and where I might be able to go. I am also able to learn additional skills that increase my abilities as a coach. The coaching I receive exemplifies the characteristics listed above, as I strive to improve and do the same. For me, this is exactly where I need to be, at this given point in time.

Are you where you need to be? Are you getting the best possible coaching that you can get, for where you are in your athletic endeavors? What are your goals? What are you willing to do to achieve them? Do you need to make some changes or are you on track? You may not need to make changes at this time. That is fine – I’m not saying everyone needs to change now. Just think about what you are getting, and if it is what you need at this point.

Post your thoughts to Comments.

As a footnote... I challenge those of you who are coaches to strive to meet these characteristics and bring out the best in those you coach.

2011 Goals

2010-12-19T05:59:00.000-08:00

It’s the end of the year, and with the end of the year, comes the beginning of a new year. A chance to start anew. Everyone will be setting goals. Some easily achievable, some achievable with focused effort, and some a little too lofty. I have personal goals, work goals, and CrossFit goals.

I’ve spent some time thinking about my CrossFit goals, what they should be. Should they be easily attainable? Should they require effort? How much? Should they be all about me?

I think that it’s important when setting goals, to ensure that they are achievable. It wouldn’t be good, for example, for me to set a goal of power cleaning a car. It will never happen. Or competing in the Olympics. Also, not going to happen. Or even skydiving… NOT going to happen! So if you set goals, ensure they are attainable ones, even with effort. Something that you know you could achieve, with the right investment of effort. And, if you set them, commit to work towards them.

Here are my 10 CrossFit goals for 2011, in no particular order. By writing them down and posting them, I am commiting to them. I will work towards achieving them. Some are easily achievable, some will require some focused effort, and some might be a bit lofty. Some I may not make. And some I may get within the first week.

1. Consistent and multiple muscle ups
2. Butterfly pull ups
3. 10 HSPUs in a row
4. Body weight clean and jerk
5. 100 double unders in a row
6. Sub-4 Fran
7. Eliminate my horrible work out face
8. Blog at least once a month, but aim for two times
9. Help someone else achieve a goal
10. Learn a new skill – TBD

Have you set yours?

Post to Comments

Perfectly Flawed

2010-11-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

As women, we struggle with our body image. It is constantly changing as we eat, don’t eat, drink, don’t drink, work out, sit on the couch, stress, live, have children, etc... It bloats, contracts, builds muscle, breaks it down, reproportions, settles, shrinks, expands, sags, rebuilds. The media inundates us with images of what we should look like – what the beautiful people look like. What clothes we should wear, how we should style our hair, what is acceptable, what is not, and what it perfect.

But seriously, what is perfect???

What is perfect? Is it a look? Is it a style? Is it a person? Is it a thought? If something is perfect, how can it be perfect one day and not perfect another day? Or hour? Or month? Or year? Why does it change, if it is “perfect”?

As women, we constantly struggle with our body image -- we are bombarded by the media's opinion of what we should look like. What "beautiful" is. What “perfect” is. We are emotional – this media bombardment affects us. It makes us think about things that are not true, that are not real, and that are not perfect. Perfection is flawed, and the media paints a happy, unflawed, non-perfect picture of beauty and perfection. It is up to us to recognize it for what it is – untrue.

I challenge you to find one person, in the entire world, living or dead, who is perfect. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Whether physical, mental, emotional or other... Every single person is flawed. We have been designed that way. And because we are designed that way, each of us is truly perfect, in our own, individually flawed ways. It is our flaws that make us perfect. Our flaws make us unlike any other person, our flaws which make us perfect and beautiful.

Because we are flawed, we are perfect and beautiful.

This has always been one of my favorite articles from Again Faster.

You Are Beautiful

Post comments...

Park WOD - September 21, 2010

2010-09-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

Tuesday's WO was:

AMRAP in 20 of:

5 Push ups
10 SDLHP with kettlebell
15 double unders

Results:

Derek - 22 +push ups
David - 12 + push ups
Alexa - 13 + push ups + 5 SDLHP
Tony - 13 +push ups + SDLHP
Alexia - 13 + pushups

People Look at You Kind of Crazy... - Park WOD - September 18, 2010

2010-09-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's true... They look at you kind of crazy when they see this big medicine ball being tossed over a volleyball net. You hear comments like, "I wonder how much that weighs?" and " That looks heavy!" Sometimes they just shake their heads in disbelief.

We spent another day at the park -- different park, same heat. It started with some hooverball to warm up, this time with a lighter ball -- 8# instead of 14#. This allowed the ball to be more easily caught, thrown, etc.

After hooverball was the WO.

Today it was:

3 rounds for time of:

200M spring

20 KB swings

20 push ups

Results:

Alexa - 10:48

Crystal - 9:16

David - 8:17

Jen - 6:30

Jill - 10:24

Lauriel - 7:26

Tony - 17:47

It Is What It Is - Park WOD - September 17, 2010

2010-09-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

It is what it is... We talked a little about that phrase today. The WOD is the WOD, no matter what environment. No matter what you are feeling, no matter how you have eaten. It doesn't matter what day it is, what time or day it is, or what the temperature is. It doesn't matter who you are working out with, whether it is sunny, hot, cloudy, cold... Whether you are tired, hungover, hungry, preoccupied. The WOD is what it is... You're results are what they are, for that given moment in time... That given situation... Good... or bad... it is what it is. Did you finish? Good. Did you do better than you thought? Good. Did you persevere? Good. Did you do your best? Good. Did you just DO??? Good. It is what it is...

Today's WO

4 rounds for time of :

400M run
50 squats

107 degrees...
outside...
sunny...
hot...
4pm...

It is what it is...

No one gave in...
No one stopped...
One rep at a time...
One round at a time...

Results:
Alexa - 15:35
David - 14:35
Jill - 17:03
Tony - 22:26

It is what it is...

Park WOD - September 14, 2010

2010-09-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

I will keep posting and adding to these, as we do the workouts in the park while CF PHX is temporarily closed.

Today's WO was created by the devious Ms. Jen Roberts! Thanks J!!!

21-15-9 of

DB Hang power snatch (R)

DB Hang power snatch (L)

DB thruster (R)

DB thruster (L)

Everyone worked with appropriate weights, from 20# through 40#.

Times and weights were:

Alexa 20# 13:07

Derek 40# 8:35

Jill 20# 12:??

Lauriel 30# 10:10

Tony 35# 17:37

David 30# 12:56

Jen 25# 8:38

CrossFit Phoenix Hits the Park!

2010-09-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Time to get caught up...

With the head coaches on vacation, CrossFit Phoenix continued workouts -- in the park. Posts will continue from this point forward, so we can track our efforts while the coaches are away. Below is a run-down of workouts thus far.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Hooverball Fun!!!

We did away with the rules and just played for fun. We threw tha ball over the net and caught it. We switched teams and rotated so that people were faced off against different people throughout the game. If you dropped the ball 3 times you had to draw a penalty exercise out of the "hat" to perform. The # of penalties went to 5 penalties, as we got tired. But I don't think we ever laughed as hard as we did this morning.

After Hooverball, Jen put us through:

AMRAP in 10 of

15 kettlebell swings

10 goblet squats

5 push presses (each arm)

If you set down the kettlebell you had to perform 5 burpees (no one set down the kettlebell!!!)

Total complete rounds (I know some of you got more but I don't know how much):

Alexa - 6 rounds

Alexia - 4 rounds

David - 4 rounds

Jill - 6 rounds

Lauriel - 6 rounds

Tony - 4 rounds

Saturday, September 11, 2010

9/11 WO on your own (Lauriel and Derek at CF Scottsdale)

Friiday, September 10, 2010

Rest day

Thursday, September 9, 2010

ShuttleRun in the Sun

Sprint to 1st station, complete 25 burpees