Great Expectations

Before my diagnosis I felt unstoppable. My CrossFit workouts were getting better and better, and I was getting stronger and stronger. I felt so good, and I loved doing the workouts. I wasn’t overly confident about what I could do, but I knew I could do most things as prescribed in a decent time.

Lately I have been struggling. I don’t expect to be where I was before my diagnosis. I know that is not possible. I have been through so much, and my body has been, and still is, a battlefield. I lost weight and I lost muscle. I have been gaining weight, and slowly gaining muscle. I sometimes wonder if things move differently because of that. It would make sense, but I really don’t know. I am still going through treatments, and my body and mind are still fighting.

The other night I could not do a double-under. I struggled and struggled, and eventually got enough to finish the WOD. It was something I wasn’t prepared to deal with, and I broke down in tears as soon as I got home. Now, just the thought of doing them begins to worry me. Will I be able to? Will I struggle? Will people be watching me, wondering why I cannot do them?

I also find that what may have taken me 10 minutes to complete previously, may take me twice as long. I sometimes have to scale WODs, midway through the WOD. And for the first time since I started to do CrossFit, I have had a couple of WODs that I did not finish. I DNF’d.

I also get fatigued much faster. It is not uncommon for me to take a breather midway through a WOD. To just let my breath catch up to my body. Every WOD feels like “Fran”.

I am starting to really struggle with this loss. The loss of my abilities as they previously were. My family keeps telling me that I am being too hard on myself, that I have unreal expectations as to where I should be in my recovery. My counselor tells me the same. But it is hard for me to not be this way. I see other people doing workouts the way I should be able to do them – the way I use to be able to do them. And it is a constant reminder of where I was. Are my expectations too great?

In a way, I am going through a grieving process over the loss of who and what I was, from a CrossFit perspective. But in reality, deep down, I am the same person. My “who” has not changed. It is who I am, and who I will always be. It is my “what” that has changed. My physical capabilities have changed, and the “what” can be worked on. I said before that every day is a new opportunity for improvement, and attitude and perspective are important.

Now, I look at every WOD and wonder what I can do. Will I need to scale rounds, reps, weight? Will I even finish? Sometimes WODs come up that I know I cannot do. This is not the perspective I use to have. I use to look at every WOD as a challenge. I guess I need to change that attitude and perspective as well. Rather than the WODs reminding me of where I was, I need them to challenge me to try harder. To push myself a little harder.

I love CrossFit, and I love the community – my community. I know I need to be listening to my own advice right now. So I will do my best. And if you see me being too hard on myself, or maybe not really pushing myself, please remind me of where my perspective should be. And if I see you being too hard on yourself, or maybe not pushing yourself, I will give you perspective. We each have a different perspective on things, and it is important to remember that, especially when every WOD may be a struggle, and a reminder of the past.

P.S.
I wrote the piece above a couple of weeks ago, and have been stewing on it. Since then, I have made it a goal to get better at double-unders. I practice them almost every time I go to CrossFit. Today, I did 30 unbroken. I screamed with excitement, and cried a little. I have also started to think about the “shoulds” in my life. These “shoulds” are perhaps “unrealistic expectations that I have in terms of where I should be in my recovery”. I need to box up the "shoulds" and set them on the curb.